ACHING

When you find yourself alone...with very few distractions around and an ache in your chest that won't seem to dissipate and you know that there is no one you can call that will make it feel any better because you have tried all those routes before and all they do is numb or  temporarily alleviate the ache...but the ache always returns and you find yourself crying but you are not sure why.  

Sometimes death will bring this ache...the death of a loved one or the death of a relationship or the loss of a job...some kind of significant even might bring about this ache.  But sometimes the ache just comes...and there is nothing outwardly bringing it about...you can play music or turn on the TV but it is still there...it makes everything seem dark and you begin to realize that you have always been this alone.  It is the times that we want to call out to someone...anyone to help us and we know there is no help from this ache...that we begin to see that we have always been this alone.

Even as a baby...when you cried out to your parents they would come and temporarily ease your discomfort...but even then you were alone in yourSelf.  If they did not come...if they were not able to answer your cry...you were alone and even when they came ... you are alone...but we go through life thinking that we are not that alone because it can be so scary...but everyone is that alone...we pretend that we aren't so that we can feel safe...but it is all make believe.

The longer you can stay with the aloneness...when it comes...the deeper you will get to know yourself...the more you will find that you are not who you think you are and that the ache that comes is calling you to Know yourSelf.  There is a saying ... many are called but few choose to listen.  The call is the pain.  The call is not to avoid the pain but to allow it to reveal to you the Gift it brings.

IN MEM..OR..I AM (IN MEMORIAM)

In mem or...i...am, In Memoriam...haven't ever looked at the word that way...but yes "I" am or in memory. 

The "I" thought can only be in the past or future...in the Present it just IS...without a story.

But this is the time of year for stories and ones of people who have touched our lives and seem to no longer be Present. Though maybe we can put some doubt on this. I'm not into ghost stories, but I am not saying there aren't any. I have experienced plenty of things that I cannot explain rationaly. However, death has revealed alot about "no death." And it keeps seeming to go deeper and deeper, so on this day of remembering those that seem not to be in our presence, here are some stories about how one remains.

The first is my Father Lauren Surget...at the time I was about 19. We had gone through some trials both litterally and figuratively and there was great healing through a dream where he was chasing me around the basement of a school and I was running and running and became too tired and sat down on a staircase and he walk up to me and I was so scared...and it took out a rose from behind his back and extended it to me and I took it and this was the beginning of the end of a long story that is now complete. Prior to the rose I had felt him around me and it scared me...after the rose I know longer felt him in a negative way and the following years were ones of truly healing our relationship.

Then there is my Mother, Sheilah Surget Poole. I was with her when her body died and to make a sort of long story short...I watched a review of our relationship together...and what was revealed was that no mater what the words or actions were through our relationship...we were always saying "I love you." Even the times that we were screaming at one another...we were actually screaming "I Love You." Then she/the story of Sheilah, dissolved into Nothing and over the years have found her in me...how does one say this...let me just continue on and see if it comes together more clearly. 

My significant other of 9 years, Mark Pullan, passed on a motorcycle accident...deep deep pain and "unlearning" came through his passing and also a beginning of a sense that he was now looking out of "my" eyes instead of his and that is the only difference between his life and mine...that he is now looking out of my eyes because I willingly (although not knowing that until just recently with another passing of a very close Friend) accept him to see every aspect of my life...that he is not blocked from seeing anything...it is not that I conciously always know he is there and I don't actually think it is like a personality...so I cannot actually explain what I am sharing here...but if you Know what I am saying then I don't have too.

It became most obvious about the unrealtity of death when I was left on the property of my Friend Wing's house...he had past from his body and I was caring for the upkeep...I was completely clueless as to how things were supposed to be done...and the more I was alone out there the more I found I wasn't...I would feel Wing through the birds and the frogs and the fish...it was as if he exuded himself through everything on his property and was able to show me without words the way to do things...it wasn't always clear how to do things but if there was patience and willingness I would begin to see how this body is used to get what is required done. 

This was the start and it continues to deepen every moment...especially now as I am working on a project in my kitchen that I have no idea how to do and when i get past the frustration I find that my hands seem to know and if I relax enough into that then there is no worry or concern for how it will all come together...and this is what the pointing towards "Nothing to Learn." There is nothing to learn...everything is already Known if one is willing to relax into not knowing. Sounds simple and it is if you don't think about it.

Recently, my Friend Bradley passed away and with the time we had spent together before his death, it was sort of like I took on a responsibilty for him...I didn't know he was going to die...but I had him close to my Heart and he was in my thoughts quite often and when I found out he had died...it seemed that at times there was an Awareness that he was looking out through my eyes...not just him...but all those that I claim responsiblity for have that.

Do I believe in life after death...not really...course I don't even know if I believe in death...so there is a willingness to be okay with anyone and everyone to see through these eyes...even though at times there are things I would rather no one see...I am willing and it has created a space in me to be kinder to myself when I do things I like or dislike about me...because I know I am seen.

There have been many years suffering from paranoia only to find that I was being watched the whole time...there just wasn't actually anything to be scared of.

So in "Memoriam"...boy if you took out an "m" it would read "me" or "I am" it just gets more and more wonderful....and simple.

The more that it seems like there is something looking out and the more attention placed on what/who is looking and not knowing what that something (which is not a thing) is...the more comfortable "I am."

On this Memorial Day, Rest in Peace.

~J.

BLAME.

Recently a Friend of mine and I were talking about blame. He was sharing how people he worked with weren't doing what they were supposed to and making his life harder. He has had similar complaints over the years and this doesn't seem to change for him.

I have been trained that if I am blaming someone for something...then it is my unwillingness to look at myself that is causing the so called "problem." It is not ever about "them" out there. Now it took a bit of time for this to dawn on me...I spent probably the first 20 years of my life blaming others for my unhappiness or dilemas in life. A psychiatrist that I adorded, Howard, said to me when I was about 18...he said, "The reason you are so unhappy, is because you choose to be." Boy I didn't like hearing that...but it rang in my mind like an ancient bell and still shows up when I hear blame around me. Still, I spent about another 20 years with that thought..."choosing to be unhappy." And it did undo me over those 20 years.

It wasn't until it dawned that there is only really one "choice." Which was fairly recently, and that choice is to listen to thoughts or to pay attention to what the thoughts arise in (Stillness).

I have been pointed to that for a very long time and little by little the Space between the thoughts has become more and more apparent.  It takes a commitment to not believe what the thoughts say and to recognize that a thought is always about the past or the future it cannot be about the Present because you are IN the Present...so anything that one says or thinks or does...is movement out of the Present.  Even this typing is in the past...as it is typed it is once removed from the Present and then the reading of it is twice removed from the present :o)  So we are regressing (in a sense) to the Present by pulling the attention away from thoughts, typing, reading.  All those things will still happen but the attention is not on them...you will begin to see that the attention on the Space/Stillness allows for the reading, typing and thoughts to appear in and there is a crystal clarity that comes from Seeing that from that Space. It will take practice but it is the most worthwhile practice you will ever do.


Back to my Friend. So I've been sharing with him that the saying "if you are pointing your finger at someone...you have 3 pointing back at you." It is an overused anology, still it is a great pointer for anyone that really wants to look at and make a change in their life and behavior. All the sayings will begin to ring true if you put them on yourself first and not on an apparent "other."

However, you can use an "apparent other," (such as I am doing with my Friend) to look at yourself.

So I know that his life will not be any different if he is not willing to take responsibilty for what he is feeling...that it is not the other person's fault that he is mad about what the other person did. He is the one feeling it so it is in him.

He can make it simple for himself and in effect, will help everyone around him, if he can drop the story that he keeps repeating (and see that it is no longer happening...it is only a story about something that happened that he didn't like and keeps using to make himself miserable).

If he just drops the story and places his attention on the Space/Stillness that the thoughts are coming from, that Space/Stillness replaces the story and the story drops.  It may come right back but that momentary stopping is all that is needed to take the juice (the energy) out of the story and in effect heals and wipes it away.  Then if the story comes back you have the "choice" to put the juice back in it or to once again pay attention to Stillness/Space. 

This is where the saying "Truth or Illusion" comes from.  Truth...Stillness/Space or Illusion (story/thoughts).  Eventually there will be more Stillness/Space than there are stories/thoughts...and you will know the true meaning of "Peace."

Thoughts are not real...they are just words or pictures or sounds that take you away from the moment you are in, you miss where you are when you are paying attention to thoughts. The whole world passes you by when you are thinking about the past and the future...things that have seemed to happen and what might happen, when you are focused on a story that you keep telling yourself and it maybe about blame of what someone did to you or it maybe about the beautiful sunset you saw last night...both thoughts are just as meaningless because you are missing what is showing up for you right now by watching them.  There is nothing wrong with watching them...you can always watch them if you like, however you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't ready to not have them as your Master.

This sharing is make you aware that there is something (that is not a something) that the thoughts come from and you have the ability to come from That (you actually are That).

Just a few more words on blame. Blame is used for what you do not want to take responsibilty for and we have a world of cowards at this time. You can stand up and be the person you are looking for...by not looking for the person you want to be...you BE IT.

Don't expect someone else to change when you won't take responsibilty for how you are, how you feel, what you think.

To your own Self be True.

Let others to their own work.  And as you do yours and stand tall in who you are, those around you will see how taking responsibility for your life and those who are in it works for you.  

You be the one you are looking for everyone else to be.  You become more and more of that...stop complaining and become quieter and pay attention to your own behavior (ask yourself are you being what you want...are you reflecting what you want others to be or are you a teacher of complaining and whining and saying how it is not fair)?

If you begin to become a responsibile person that does things in a responsible way...those around you will either stand up and be true to themselves or they will leave and either way you will find yourself surround by all the help you need.

Few tidbits:

Blaming - Look at yourself first - You cannot see something that you aren't doing or haven't done yourself.  And be kind to yourself when you see that you do it...it's not about feeling bad it's about taking responsibilty and finding compassion for yourself and others.

Responsible - Be that which you seek others to be...as you become That... others will seek you out to become That.

Choice - Ultimately there is no Choice, however until such time as you are fully Aware of that...choose to pay attention to the Stillness that thoughts arise in. Take a pause (Pause) and pay attention to the space between thoughts.

If you need help establishing the pause, ask "Who?" "Who is aware of these thoughts?". "Who is this showing up for?"

And if you hear the old familiar "it is showing up for me" ask

                                        "Who am I?

and don't assume that you know.

Patience :))))

Love.
~yourSelf

KILLING (Is it in Me?)

The picture above...depicts what happens when killing isn't looked at straight on...that things such as this are seen by some as an acceptable way of life...that the faces aren't even seen anymore (take a moment if you will, to look into their faces).  That is you...that is me...they are us...the same thing that is in you...that animates you ... animates or did animate them...that is my head/your head.  I am not saying this to go out and save the animals or stop the people from doing it...I am saying it to take a look in myself...for you to take a look in yourself ..this is not about another...the only one that can stop killing in your world...is you.

Tonight I've been watching a documentary on the Iraq war it is called "The Ground Truth" and worth the time to watch. The soldiers speak about the time that they have served there and like many of them share that they wanted to join the military to see if they had it in them to kill...which I have wondered in myself ... Do I have the capacity to kill.

This has come up time and again in my life...I used to read as much as I could about serial killers to see what was the difference between them and me and besides the fact that I hadnt killed a human, I couldn't find any other differences that would stand out...cept something in them had snapped that hadn't in me. 

Over the last 15 years, I have been moved away from killing animals (I haven't killed anything that wasn't on the road).  However, it took along time to realize that I was still a killer because...I let others do the killing for me...such as going to the grocery store...I was an accessory to murder (having someone else kill my food for me so that I didn't have to see what I was doing).

So now that I am not eating meat (which began about 15 years ago and then I went back to doing it because it was easier than trying to go against the status quo...but it kept showing up again and again until I just couldn't eat it anymore) and the last 3 years have been a major shift in the perception of my role in the killing of animals).  From this the thought has appeared that if for some reason I find myself starving for food...would I kill to survive?  What came were two thoughts...

The first thought is "Who"  Who is the you that would kill...or simply...

                                  "Who am I?" 

The next thought that appeared  is:

                                  "Wait and see" :o)

One thing about hypothetical(s) is that you don't know...it doesn't matter what you think about yourself or what you are capable of.  Until that moment arrives, you do not know.  I do not know.  However I do know that I have the capacity to kill (or seem too).  I also know that I just found myself sobbing in front of the TV watching this documentary when the solider spoke of seeing an Iraq woman dressed in her garb and he couldn't tell if she had a weapon and she moved abruptly and he shot her and then his whole company shot at her, and they go up to her after and confirm she is dead and find that she had a white flag in her hands.   I could feel how deep his (the soldiers) pain is and could feel for her family and as I was sobbing I could feel that I was capable of the same that he is in.

We train soldiers to protect us and we train them to kill for us so that we don't have to think about killing and so we can feel like we are protected. But we are training them to be what we are trying to protect ourselves from.

What I admire the most in a soldier any soldier is their willingness to die.  To put themselves on the line for something they believe to be greater than their own life.  And I also appreciate the honesty that they come from when their ideals are changed...when they see that they have become part of the problem and not the solution.  Killing is not the solution...it only creates more killing.

Oddly enough, today I was driving to an appointment and I hit a squirrel...I looked back and he was not moving and I recognized in myself that there was not emotion attached to it.  It used to be that if there was even the possibility of hitting a squirrel happened my insides would ache.  About 6 months ago...I hit a squirrel (which is actually a rare thing I have probably only hit 4 in my life) however I hit this squirrel but it wasn't dead I could see it squirming and I was sick with it...I turned around and started driving towards it and closed my eyes as I ran it over again and was just uncontrollably sobbing.  At that moment I knew I was capable of killing...from mercy or compassion...yet it was still taking the life of another with intent to do so.  So I wondered today...how come no emotion with the squirrel today and what comes up is that it was a confirmed kill...there was nothing to grieve for and there was nothing I could do to change it so life goes on...there was no intent to kill the squirrel.

You may think well it is only a squirrel...but in my world we are all animals and someday something will squish me out of this picture whether it is an illness or an accident or a murder...something will take me out just like that squirrel was this morning...the light will go out and it will be as if I never was...which is the closest to the Truth I can speak.

  ~Joysters

FREESTYLE

So the eyes are closed and the fingers are just pressing on the keys and we will see what comes.  Freesytle...this is the word that showed up to write about and then I googled the word "Freestyle" and this picture was one of the first on the screen and since I grew up loving graffiti and taggers it was perfect :o)

I wasn't thinking of graffiti when I started out...I was actually just thinking that I was wondering what would come out of these fingers if I just started typing...and here we are.  It is empty inside of here right now...very quiet.  Breathing is slow and eyes are closed and tired.  I am waiting for a video to upload to youtube and have had a bit of a challenging day as I am packing and waited till the last minute to put together a Mothers' Day card and that didn't work anyway cause my printer will not connect to my laptop for some reason...very frustrating and so I dropped the card idea nad wrote a poem and video recorded it but then the recorder has this beeping sound in it and the file saved too large and I couldn't get the beep out but I did shrink the file and now it is uploading so that took a bit of patience.  And during all of that this calm/emptiness has just been here all through it...sometime there is not attention paid to what does't call attention to it.  But luckily for some reason this life time has not allowed me to sleep for long and it finds ways to constantly remind this "thought" that I think I am...to look  towards what cannot be thought.  Therein lies Peace.

It used to be that I was dependent on the peace of the world...I was always looking for quiet or searching for a space to be alone in and life did grant those things for periods of time and now noise is welcome too...because the Peace that is in me...isn't dependent on the outside world to do anything.  Everything can be as it is and Peace is there...even in the worst of moments Peace is here.

I've been meaning to get over to the suicide newsgroup.  I was on it years ago many many years ago and met some really great people over there.  Maybe I will let them know that death isn't necessary for Peace...well bodily death isn't necessary...however the death of who you think you are...is necessary for you to begin to have cracks in the thoughts...cracks big enough to Know Peace.

You're cracked enough or you wouldn't be here.

MOOOVING

Recently, I have been asked to move. I live in a remote setting and do not often see people in the physical form.

Fears have come up...all of them having to do with "I." Like "where will I go?" What if "I" cannot find a place "I" can afford? Why is this happening to "me?" Fear, protection, survival mode, will appear when the thought "I" feels threatened. Thoughts and feelings (especially ones of fear) feed off of each other.

When fear is seen as a lie (because it stems from the thought "I"), which we are beginning to see as the Ultimate and only lie <---sit with this a minute.

"I is a lie."

~Harrold the Aligator

You are becoming trained enough to know that when you hear "I/me" in the thoughts, that you are telling yourself a lie and it can always be verified with the questioning of yourself in asking "Who am I?"

So, after the fear subsides, and one finds oneself looking in the classifieds for a place and you get in your car and drive down the road...you may begin to notice that you aren't actually getting anywhere. That the world is coming towards you ... you are not going towards the world. MyTeacher gave a great example once of the screensaver you used to find on like Windows98 where the stars are coming towards you but you are just sitting and looking at the screen that has been such a Gift in seeing and experiencing beyond the intellect that one doesn't actually mooove :o)

Another good example of this is is Rumi a 1200 century mystic Sufi Poet:

“Keep walking, though there's no place to get to. Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings. Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.”

~Rumi

(Special Thanks to Coleman Barks and the many others that have continued to bring Rumi's life to Light):

So each place I stopped at I began to get deeper and deeper hits that I am always in the same place. The faces and pictures may change...but verything is getting more familiar...not like I have been here before but that I am always Here :o) Now.

No matter where "I" move, I am always in the same Place, which is no place...I mentioned to my Friend this morning that (an this anaology has been used before but is a good enough one to repeat) we are in a car (the body) and we are sitting in the back seat and being driven all around but when we look to see who is driving there is no one there, yet the car still moves and we are just watching/Witnessing and with the realization of no driver the question comes again "Who's Driving" which can at first bring fear but not much if you realize also that just because you just found out you are not driving...it has always been this way and as such you are taken care of...you can Trust the Driver because you are proof that the Driver knows where it is going...so you relax sit back and now ask..."well if I am not driving...then Who Am I?" :o)))))

You may find yourself trying to figure it out...and if you can, remember to be kind to yourself...this is the one domain where being an idiot is the Gift and intelligence is the Block. You are not driving...that is the Good News...Relax like you would when you were a child and your parents took you somewhere in the car...you didn't worry about where you were going, or how long it took to get there, sometimes you would just doze off and wake up and find yourself at the beach or the park or the pool and you would rub your eyes and jump out of the car and play...this is how it still is now...the only difference is that you are finding out that your Parents are in the back seat with you.

Ok after all that driving around ...we again come to the place where we find out that we have not ever driven anywhere and that there is no driver and now we are finding that we have actually not ever moved and that the appearance of driving into the sunset...is actually the sunset driving into us. Wow that's something...You are what the world is moving towards.

Who I am...cannot be anywhere other than where it is and it is Still, unmoving. There is no where in the world you can go to get away from It because you and everything in the Universe...is in It (and it's not an It).

It (not it :o) is always Home and in that, whereever you find yourself...you are at Home. So each moment is just each moment...there is nothing new happening and yet everything is brand new and the more accepting of Paradox you become the easier and lighter life is...but you cannot do it...all you can do is see the Paradox and not engage with how it is. Paradoxes are not for solving they are for relaxing the minds grip on knowing anything.

Paradox is the Ultimate Gift to the mind.

~The Happy Idiot

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myTeacher

You may hear me from time to time...mention myTeacher.  It is a way for me to share where I have been pointed as myTeacher has continuously pointed me, in a sense, back into mySelf.  He unerringly points to where everything arises from.  And he has had a tough road with me.

The picture above is a really good depiction of what it is like to have a Teacher.  A Teacher is a bright light in your life and you are drawn to that One in way that looks completely irrational to the world.  It is not dependent on where you live or what you do or what you can give...it comes from the inside even when it looks like the Teacher is outside of you...and that is where the Teacher is pointing.  A True Teacher knows you better than you know yourself because they know who they Are.  And it will not be an easy trail to walk...but you won't care and you may sometimes find yourself afraid and yet running towards what you fear.  That is the way with a Teacher.  Ultimately you come to find that the Teacher is in you and this can be frightening at first because you will wonder how they know what you know...can they read your mind ... what will they do with the control that they have...all those thoughts may appear...but you will Know...somehow you will Know that they are You...not in a way that you can understand intellectually.  But since you will begin to know yourSelf through knowing them. 

I just came across another Poem by Rumi...who has been such a Gift in this life for me and again thanks to Coleman Barks for his dedication to getting the writings transcribed):

"On Resurrection Day your body testifies against you.

Your hand says, 'I stole money.'

Your lips, 'I said meanness.'

Your feet, 'I went where I shouldn't.'

Your genitals, 'Me Too.'

They will make your praying sound hypocritical

Let the body's doings speak openly now,

without your saying a word,

as a student's walking behind a teacher

says, "This one knows more clearly

than I the way."

  ~Rumi

The Teacher may have a swift sword but is also infinitely kind.

Namaste.

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Alone

There is a paradox that runs in life that assists in helping one believe that they are not alone.  The paradox is "other."  That there appears to be someone else besides you "out there."  And that is how this is kept real.  As long as there is someone out there then there is "proof" that there is someone "in here." 

However today on my walk...there was a moment of clarity that everyone is completely alone...because there is only One.  I have misidentified myself with the body and with the external world.  All things are in the Self...including the paradox of "you and I."  Which would make one believe that there are three...Self, you and I ... however...you and I are in Self (and in that there is no "you" and "I" we are the One) and Self is not a thing...not a body, not an idea...it IS greater than what can be imagined because imagination is in It.

So I sat down to write this as an imagined separate self...but it is not me writing it...because I don't know what is going to be typed.  I am just (for lack of a better description) watching this be typed...watching the typing and then watching the thoughts appear about what is being typed and yet I am not the typing or the thoughts...all things bring one back to the question "who am I?" 

I want you to be real so that I don't feel so alone.  But nothing can keep me from this aloneness because I am that alone.  MyTeacher has been saying for years "you are all alone, surrounded by all the help you need."  That is finally getting through...the fear of being alone has kept a search going to find a way to not be alone...however in being alone...Aloneness itSelf...all things come searching for me...just like I have searched and been found...you are searching to be found too and I am a lighthouse in the darkness.  I am what points all things back to itSelf.

So you are Aloneness...as am I.  You are searching and I am found.