One can hear the words "Rest" and/or "Relax" and if
you are
anything like this one … just hearing
them used to make for tensing up and being concerned that their wasn't resting
or relaxing going on, which led to more stress. It was not a natural way
of being for this body/mind to be in a relaxed state.
It wasn't until fairly recently, that the word relax actually did remind
that one can. Where did this shift happen? Funny enough, it
happened in the willingness to die. Of all things, relaxation came in the
willingness to die. It had been all the running from death that had
created the tension. Not just physical death … but death of
relationships, death of finding or having a job, death of having health, death
of being a good parent, death of wanting things to be some other way than what
they are. So this surrender began to set in. There wasn't a
fighting against any of the forms of death that were appearing at this
doorstep.
Although this had been pointed out for years, it hadn't been
faced. It was "got" or "groked" conceptually (meaning
that it sounded like a good idea …"just sit with it fear and
let it kill you."). But every time fear would come …
it seemed stronger and more powerful than one could have imagined.
There would not only be thoughts and images but also emotions and very
"real" stories of things that weren't liked and wanted to go away.
So instead of sit … one ran to doctors for help, ran to people
to console, ran anywhere food, drugs, alcohol, sex anything to not feel
this fear, this emotional pain, this story that keeps repeating itself.
This continued on for quite some time, and the stories were followed and
seemed real … could talk to people about them and they would would be
kind, they understood the suffering and that just fed the story even more.
Then one day, something shifted and this one began to get sick, very sick
and tired of the stories. Maybe one had suffered enough because there was
no tolerance to hear them anymore and they began to be faced.
One of the surest ways to face ones fear is by saying YES to it.
It goes against the grain of conditioning, but it the truest answer to
what knocks on your door "YES, come in … been waiting for you to show
up again." It is a simple thing but when it comes...when the fear of
death comes (which again in this instance it is NOT body death, it is death or
loss of anything that one wants to hold on to, but has been afraid of seeing
or acknowledging in their self) it will come with the big GUNS. It
will say you are the worst and you must admit that you are, you could not
see it if it were not true. It will say to you the things you really
believe in...like religion (i.e. that you are cast out of Heaven, that Jesus
will not accept you or that God does not love you and these again must be faced
with a Yes, not to get better, to admit that you believe the darkest things
about yourself).
Things will appear that you have done that you are not proud of, things
about being a child, a parent, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a husband/wife,
about your performance in life, it will tell you you are awful and unworthy of
Love, it will tell you all kinds of things to keep you in it's control and it
will have proof. A sure sign that you are avoiding death is all the proof
it has that you are bad and unworthy. Or it may come from the other side
of the same coin … that you are so wonderful and so great that you
won't die … both directions are stories that lead one away from
facing death. Just say "Yes" to the Greatest thoughts and the
Worst as well.
You may be thinking right now … "oh yeah … fear of
death is nothing or that you won't be scared" if that were the case than
you wouldn't be reading this. In this moment it will sound easy and
simple. When it comes, which is usually at your weakest moment, you
will see that it is NOT easy to face (once it is faced you will wonder how it
seemed so hard but before it is faced it can seem quite hard
and scary, frightening even). Because it will be something that
you believe in and the only way to face it is to say "YES" kill
me...I am that, a denial of it or an attempt to make it better will make
it go away but it WILL come again, because it was not faced.
It maybe helpful if this is shared in a more personal way. One of
the many BIG GUNS that came this way was/is Courage. That I am not a
courageous person. Usually the GUNS are big on things we want to be but
continually fail to be. The proof here was that there wasn't a speaking
what this one had come to Know. Was afraid of what people would think,
what they would say, the times that there was sharing, people would say you're
crazy or worse.
Was afraid to be around people because … thought something would
be said that would offend them or would scare them off.
Was afraid to
stand in the ground I had been planted in. Where one is planted they are
all alone, could not use others to stand for me ... there was no proof of what
had come to be Known, yet there was an ability to point anyone that was
interested towards it. There were many attempts to begin sharing and many
set backs … ultimately it begin to dawn that courage is not stagnant.
It is something that shows up moment to moment … it is not
something one is … it is something that one is being. And
courage comes in being willing to stand alone … to die to the thought
of courage … that one doesn't even know what courage
is … until one is in it.
Sometimes what looks un-courageous is
courage. It isn't necessarily standing and fighting that takes
courage … sometimes courage is walking away.
Sometimes courage is doing what everyone else says you shouldn't and
sometimes courage is having tears stream down your face while your pants are
being pulled down in a stadium full of people. You don't know how it will
appear, but you know what it is when you are in it.
Another big GUN is being a parent. It always seemed like I was not
good enough. Could not ever do enough or that it was always too little
too late. So I'd keep trying harder … to get "better"
to do more … but it was not ever enough. My Teacher would say
"Better is the enemy of Good." And I would Hear
it … but couldn't quite understand it. In the search for
becoming better, all that is right here is overlooked.
With both my son's there has been a time where they have had to be
completely alone in the world. Where I did not care for them. These
were some of the hardest times, what kind of person leaves their child, leaves
them to feel abandoned and alone. I knew the "alone" they were
facing and at the same time , knew what is at the core of that aloneness.
It had revealed it to me (by my parents) and now it was being revealed to
them … and yet I knew how much I had blamed my parents for, in
a sense, forcing me to see it. And then the years of running from it, and
then the entering of my Teacher and the acceptance of the actuality of it and
the relaxation into It … as one's True Home. Where once one
would have said the most awful thing a parent could do, in turn became the
greatest Gift one can ever Receive. But until one faces the fear of being
alone, one cannot see what they are In.
It won't be just a saying of it … it will be an acceptance of
it … you will no longer be running from what you *think* about
yourself. You let it in to you … it is your *fear* thought, you
are the one having it … let it in … let it in and let it
kill the beliefs you have about yourself.
Once you have stopped running from who you *think* you are, then you
begin to see who you Truly Are. But this cannot be done when you *think*
that you are something other than what you are.
This is where True Relaxation comes in … that when a thought
or stories appears for you … it is welcomed … it is faced
and it is seen through as just a story. The same is said for the good
stories that come … eventually all stories will begin to fade in you.
Rest in Peace.
