IN MEM..OR..I AM (IN MEMORIAM)

In mem or...i...am, In Memoriam...haven't ever looked at the word that way...but yes "I" am or in memory. 

The "I" thought can only be in the past or future...in the Present it just IS...without a story.

But this is the time of year for stories and ones of people who have touched our lives and seem to no longer be Present. Though maybe we can put some doubt on this. I'm not into ghost stories, but I am not saying there aren't any. I have experienced plenty of things that I cannot explain rationaly. However, death has revealed alot about "no death." And it keeps seeming to go deeper and deeper, so on this day of remembering those that seem not to be in our presence, here are some stories about how one remains.

The first is my Father Lauren Surget...at the time I was about 19. We had gone through some trials both litterally and figuratively and there was great healing through a dream where he was chasing me around the basement of a school and I was running and running and became too tired and sat down on a staircase and he walk up to me and I was so scared...and it took out a rose from behind his back and extended it to me and I took it and this was the beginning of the end of a long story that is now complete. Prior to the rose I had felt him around me and it scared me...after the rose I know longer felt him in a negative way and the following years were ones of truly healing our relationship.

Then there is my Mother, Sheilah Surget Poole. I was with her when her body died and to make a sort of long story short...I watched a review of our relationship together...and what was revealed was that no mater what the words or actions were through our relationship...we were always saying "I love you." Even the times that we were screaming at one another...we were actually screaming "I Love You." Then she/the story of Sheilah, dissolved into Nothing and over the years have found her in me...how does one say this...let me just continue on and see if it comes together more clearly. 

My significant other of 9 years, Mark Pullan, passed on a motorcycle accident...deep deep pain and "unlearning" came through his passing and also a beginning of a sense that he was now looking out of "my" eyes instead of his and that is the only difference between his life and mine...that he is now looking out of my eyes because I willingly (although not knowing that until just recently with another passing of a very close Friend) accept him to see every aspect of my life...that he is not blocked from seeing anything...it is not that I conciously always know he is there and I don't actually think it is like a personality...so I cannot actually explain what I am sharing here...but if you Know what I am saying then I don't have too.

It became most obvious about the unrealtity of death when I was left on the property of my Friend Wing's house...he had past from his body and I was caring for the upkeep...I was completely clueless as to how things were supposed to be done...and the more I was alone out there the more I found I wasn't...I would feel Wing through the birds and the frogs and the fish...it was as if he exuded himself through everything on his property and was able to show me without words the way to do things...it wasn't always clear how to do things but if there was patience and willingness I would begin to see how this body is used to get what is required done. 

This was the start and it continues to deepen every moment...especially now as I am working on a project in my kitchen that I have no idea how to do and when i get past the frustration I find that my hands seem to know and if I relax enough into that then there is no worry or concern for how it will all come together...and this is what the pointing towards "Nothing to Learn." There is nothing to learn...everything is already Known if one is willing to relax into not knowing. Sounds simple and it is if you don't think about it.

Recently, my Friend Bradley passed away and with the time we had spent together before his death, it was sort of like I took on a responsibilty for him...I didn't know he was going to die...but I had him close to my Heart and he was in my thoughts quite often and when I found out he had died...it seemed that at times there was an Awareness that he was looking out through my eyes...not just him...but all those that I claim responsiblity for have that.

Do I believe in life after death...not really...course I don't even know if I believe in death...so there is a willingness to be okay with anyone and everyone to see through these eyes...even though at times there are things I would rather no one see...I am willing and it has created a space in me to be kinder to myself when I do things I like or dislike about me...because I know I am seen.

There have been many years suffering from paranoia only to find that I was being watched the whole time...there just wasn't actually anything to be scared of.

So in "Memoriam"...boy if you took out an "m" it would read "me" or "I am" it just gets more and more wonderful....and simple.

The more that it seems like there is something looking out and the more attention placed on what/who is looking and not knowing what that something (which is not a thing) is...the more comfortable "I am."

On this Memorial Day, Rest in Peace.

~J.