Tuesday, September 25, 2012


This morning was a very quiet Meditation and the thought from yesterday about no "I" no problem appeared and it can be seen that someone thinking there is no "I" might in this world seem crazy...but when one Sees ... there is no "I" then it seems crazy that one could have ever believed there was one.

Like when you find out Santa Claus isn't real or that there is no Tooth Fairy...that you had believed in them both so fully and then were told that they don't exist...that is how it is with the "I" we have been told since we are born that this "I" that we think we are is real...but there is no "I."

Then the thought appeared of the "I" being a plant in the soil and it is time for the plant to come out of the appears the questions "who am I?" and that question is the both the Gardener and the shovel for which the plant is dug gently begins to dig up a little soil and a little more and the plant doesn't necessarily want to be dug wants to stay in the ground because it doesn't know where it is it grows some roots.

The roots are the thoughts that say "How" "Why" "Where" and the Shovel continues to dig with the only thought that can answer those thoughts directly and completely into Silence/Stillness and that is "who?"

The roots are how and why and the answer/the digging out is "who?" and no one can do this for must be willing to dig/investigate for yourself.  As you do you begin to find that you are not only the plant/"I" thought but you are also the Gardner and the Shovel.

Eventually and sometimes quite suddenly....all the digging is done and the plant/"I" thought is out and it lays on the soil and thoughts still come to attach to tell it what it is...but they do not stay as long because everything is done and the plant/"I" thought rests in itSelf.

It doesn't know if it will be planted or what it will be used for ...but it no longer needs to because it is not separate from now Sees that it is the whole Garden and that it has always been this had only thought that it was a plant...but now it sees the plant lying on the ground and it Knows that it is not just the plant...but that the plant/"I" thought is in It.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


It was a heady morning filled with thoughts of things that have to get done or aren't getting done and concerns about things that are going on in life that create a feeling of "fight or flight."  

Luckily Meditation time arrived and there was quiet and the thought appeared...instead of "fight or flight" stop everything and "wait and see." 

This idea that was planted in me years ago yet just started shimmering in the relaxing ensued I could see that the stress was caused not because their actually was stress but that there was a fear that wasn't being looked at which was creating the desire to either run/flight or attack/fight...and both responses avoid what is not being looked at...what is there but cannot be how does one look at a fear they can't see...they Stop.  

                                       Completely Stop.

In that stopping one can look at what is being reacted to without reacting ...without making a plan of attack or    plan a way out...and admit that the fear is there...because they don't know what to do and if one can just stop...don't do anything...which goes against the grain that we are accustomed...that I is accustomed to either have a way of combating the fear or getting away from it...but to stop and just stay there and wait and see what happens...not tell myself what is going to happen or what could happen but to wait and see what actually does facing the fear.

The fear that is revealed from the fear of the unknown or not being in control and not knowing what is in control.  To stop and wait and see how it all works itself out...can be frightening because one is so used to doing have an action or reaction to situations/stimulus...but in doing stopping and waiting to see what happens ... an entirely new experience can be received.

Who would have thunk it would be hard to do nothing :o)  It's not that it is actually hard... it is just undoing...unlearning behaviors that we are taught...though watching others or our own past responses...that actually no longer help us or serve us and many times lead us to even worse situations or deeper unresolved issues.

To stop and stay, wait and see, when everything inside is telling you to change the  the beginning of seeing what you have been running towards and away from all your life.

Friday, September 21, 2012


So me and my dog Pete live with a chicken named Marma, she's been with us for over 3 months now and she is part of the family.  We all go for a walk each morning and she still lets me carry her (probably for fear of the hawks above) until we get to the Oak tree where we sit for some time and she does her psycho attack routine causing havoic on the grassland creatures...a big monster that comes and attacks and rarely leaves anything that lives in her wake. I watch as she grabs one and smashes it to the ground again and again then chews it up and swallows it down practically whole.

But then I also see her as my friend...she is so loving and trusting...I can touch her anywhere...grab her feet and squeeze them and she just looks at me...I kiss her all the time...cause she loves it or at least doesn't complain...and she keeps herself so clean...I want to think she doesn't smell good...but she does...she smells real good and not like cooked chicken but like something fresh and alive.  And I know what she wants when she clucks at the come in...or when she squeals cause there is a hawk above or when she click click clicks cause there is a snake in the grass. 

And I know the pain of not being able to protect when I looked out the window and the neighbors dog was throwing something in the air and I saw her little orange legs and I freaked and ran down the yard and he dropped her and she was stumbling around like a drunken sailor and my heart was broken and I carried her home and held her in my arms until she was focused took her over a day to get her senses back and it's been weeks now and she still doesn't have all her feathers.  I've watched as a hawk came barrelling down from the sky and grabbed at her and as I ran and screamed it dropped her.  Yet I learn so much from her...cause even though the dog has attacked her 3x now...I'll go outside and she will be walking right past him...she doesn't hold onto anything...I know that she knows he is capable of killing her...but she still just lives her chicken life and although she is more cautious on our walks...she still wanders pretty far off from me to hunt.

And I feel like a mom I can't protect her from everything but I want too...and also I want her to have the freedom to be a bird and so I bring her over to "the girls" (the other chickens on the ranch) and put her in with them and she doesn't want to be there and hides under my feet and if I pretend to leave her and go away...she crawls into a tiny place and "the girls" try to get at her and she looks for me and I can't do it and take her out...but she is going to have to go there soon...unless some other great idea comes up she just will be too big for the house soon.

She is so good...she already been on road trips and she's hung out on campus with me.  And I know that she is also like my dog...people will see him and say "oh cute dog...what kind is she?" and I will think "he" and say oh she's a mutt :o)  That's how people see Marma...she's just a chicken...she looks like every other chicken or like some chickens that look like the kind of chicken she is...but still what they see is a chicken...but she is not just a chicken to me and I know my heart will be broken at some point because the closer I get to her...the more it hurts when I think that something is going to get her...even right now it is in my thoughts because she is outside and Pete is inside so she is vulenerable...but so am I ... we are all that's just not always so obvious and I can't not love her just because I know I will lose...I just can't not love's impossible because I already's too late I'm done we  will see how this all plays out...I hadn't imagined we would have gotten this far even...most people told me one chicken would die from loneliness...but she's the one that's been the company...and there is something very unique about a wild animal...something in the energy about them...that is so alive and yet so peaceful at the same time.  Like a wild animal is very aware of death and yet at the same time very aware of life.

And so far so good...for all of us chickens here on the Ranch :o)