FREESTYLE

So the eyes are closed and the fingers are just pressing on the keys and we will see what comes.  Freesytle...this is the word that showed up to write about and then I googled the word "Freestyle" and this picture was one of the first on the screen and since I grew up loving graffiti and taggers it was perfect :o)

I wasn't thinking of graffiti when I started out...I was actually just thinking that I was wondering what would come out of these fingers if I just started typing...and here we are.  It is empty inside of here right now...very quiet.  Breathing is slow and eyes are closed and tired.  I am waiting for a video to upload to youtube and have had a bit of a challenging day as I am packing and waited till the last minute to put together a Mothers' Day card and that didn't work anyway cause my printer will not connect to my laptop for some reason...very frustrating and so I dropped the card idea nad wrote a poem and video recorded it but then the recorder has this beeping sound in it and the file saved too large and I couldn't get the beep out but I did shrink the file and now it is uploading so that took a bit of patience.  And during all of that this calm/emptiness has just been here all through it...sometime there is not attention paid to what does't call attention to it.  But luckily for some reason this life time has not allowed me to sleep for long and it finds ways to constantly remind this "thought" that I think I am...to look  towards what cannot be thought.  Therein lies Peace.

It used to be that I was dependent on the peace of the world...I was always looking for quiet or searching for a space to be alone in and life did grant those things for periods of time and now noise is welcome too...because the Peace that is in me...isn't dependent on the outside world to do anything.  Everything can be as it is and Peace is there...even in the worst of moments Peace is here.

I've been meaning to get over to the suicide newsgroup.  I was on it years ago many many years ago and met some really great people over there.  Maybe I will let them know that death isn't necessary for Peace...well bodily death isn't necessary...however the death of who you think you are...is necessary for you to begin to have cracks in the thoughts...cracks big enough to Know Peace.

You're cracked enough or you wouldn't be here.

MOOOVING

Recently, I have been asked to move. I live in a remote setting and do not often see people in the physical form.

Fears have come up...all of them having to do with "I." Like "where will I go?" What if "I" cannot find a place "I" can afford? Why is this happening to "me?" Fear, protection, survival mode, will appear when the thought "I" feels threatened. Thoughts and feelings (especially ones of fear) feed off of each other.

When fear is seen as a lie (because it stems from the thought "I"), which we are beginning to see as the Ultimate and only lie <---sit with this a minute.

"I is a lie."

~Harrold the Aligator

You are becoming trained enough to know that when you hear "I/me" in the thoughts, that you are telling yourself a lie and it can always be verified with the questioning of yourself in asking "Who am I?"

So, after the fear subsides, and one finds oneself looking in the classifieds for a place and you get in your car and drive down the road...you may begin to notice that you aren't actually getting anywhere. That the world is coming towards you ... you are not going towards the world. MyTeacher gave a great example once of the screensaver you used to find on like Windows98 where the stars are coming towards you but you are just sitting and looking at the screen that has been such a Gift in seeing and experiencing beyond the intellect that one doesn't actually mooove :o)

Another good example of this is is Rumi a 1200 century mystic Sufi Poet:

“Keep walking, though there's no place to get to. Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings. Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.”

~Rumi

(Special Thanks to Coleman Barks and the many others that have continued to bring Rumi's life to Light):

So each place I stopped at I began to get deeper and deeper hits that I am always in the same place. The faces and pictures may change...but verything is getting more familiar...not like I have been here before but that I am always Here :o) Now.

No matter where "I" move, I am always in the same Place, which is no place...I mentioned to my Friend this morning that (an this anaology has been used before but is a good enough one to repeat) we are in a car (the body) and we are sitting in the back seat and being driven all around but when we look to see who is driving there is no one there, yet the car still moves and we are just watching/Witnessing and with the realization of no driver the question comes again "Who's Driving" which can at first bring fear but not much if you realize also that just because you just found out you are not driving...it has always been this way and as such you are taken care of...you can Trust the Driver because you are proof that the Driver knows where it is going...so you relax sit back and now ask..."well if I am not driving...then Who Am I?" :o)))))

You may find yourself trying to figure it out...and if you can, remember to be kind to yourself...this is the one domain where being an idiot is the Gift and intelligence is the Block. You are not driving...that is the Good News...Relax like you would when you were a child and your parents took you somewhere in the car...you didn't worry about where you were going, or how long it took to get there, sometimes you would just doze off and wake up and find yourself at the beach or the park or the pool and you would rub your eyes and jump out of the car and play...this is how it still is now...the only difference is that you are finding out that your Parents are in the back seat with you.

Ok after all that driving around ...we again come to the place where we find out that we have not ever driven anywhere and that there is no driver and now we are finding that we have actually not ever moved and that the appearance of driving into the sunset...is actually the sunset driving into us. Wow that's something...You are what the world is moving towards.

Who I am...cannot be anywhere other than where it is and it is Still, unmoving. There is no where in the world you can go to get away from It because you and everything in the Universe...is in It (and it's not an It).

It (not it :o) is always Home and in that, whereever you find yourself...you are at Home. So each moment is just each moment...there is nothing new happening and yet everything is brand new and the more accepting of Paradox you become the easier and lighter life is...but you cannot do it...all you can do is see the Paradox and not engage with how it is. Paradoxes are not for solving they are for relaxing the minds grip on knowing anything.

Paradox is the Ultimate Gift to the mind.

~The Happy Idiot

Find more writings of this domain at:

End of The Search

One A Day Spiritual Vitmains

Nothing To Learn

Alone

There is a paradox that runs in life that assists in helping one believe that they are not alone.  The paradox is "other."  That there appears to be someone else besides you "out there."  And that is how this is kept real.  As long as there is someone out there then there is "proof" that there is someone "in here." 

However today on my walk...there was a moment of clarity that everyone is completely alone...because there is only One.  I have misidentified myself with the body and with the external world.  All things are in the Self...including the paradox of "you and I."  Which would make one believe that there are three...Self, you and I ... however...you and I are in Self (and in that there is no "you" and "I" we are the One) and Self is not a thing...not a body, not an idea...it IS greater than what can be imagined because imagination is in It.

So I sat down to write this as an imagined separate self...but it is not me writing it...because I don't know what is going to be typed.  I am just (for lack of a better description) watching this be typed...watching the typing and then watching the thoughts appear about what is being typed and yet I am not the typing or the thoughts...all things bring one back to the question "who am I?" 

I want you to be real so that I don't feel so alone.  But nothing can keep me from this aloneness because I am that alone.  MyTeacher has been saying for years "you are all alone, surrounded by all the help you need."  That is finally getting through...the fear of being alone has kept a search going to find a way to not be alone...however in being alone...Aloneness itSelf...all things come searching for me...just like I have searched and been found...you are searching to be found too and I am a lighthouse in the darkness.  I am what points all things back to itSelf.

So you are Aloneness...as am I.  You are searching and I am found. 

Coincidence/Synchronicity

Coincidence and synchroncity have played a huge role in my life, and at times have even been quite frightening, the mind/thoughts can become fearful when it can't understand how something has happened. It wants to box and categorize it and make it into something learnable.

The more comfortable I become with not understanding how and why things happen the less fearful they become.

Last night I had a dream that coincided pretty closely with the recent events in my life. I wasn't any one specific person in the dream and it was 4 characters that I was (although not me as I think of myself) sort of looking out of and on to each other...like an inside view out as each played their parts.

The characters were a husband/father (who was a bit of an uptight stressed out and a bit angry man). There was the mother (a bit flakey, scared she had cancer and liked to write in journals). A son (who was autistic). And the daughter (who was a snoop and scared to be alone).

So in this one scene they are all (except the mother) in the master bedroom, the kids are on the floor and the father is pacing back and forth and I am looking out of the son's eyes (in that moment) at the dad and the son is seeing that his dad is very frustrated almost to a rage with something the son has done and wants to scream at him and hurt him. But the son is somehow able to look out of his dad's eyes and has a great realization. The son says to the dad in his Autistic way..."Dad you know why you don't hurt me?"  "Why?" says the dad.   "Because you love yourself...if you didn't and saw yourself in me then you would destroy me, but because you love yourself you cannot hurt me because you see yourself in me."  And the Dad heard him as the boy said it and saw himself in his son and realized that he did love himself through his son.

Meanwhile, the daughter is reading her mother's journal and blurts out "mom is going to kill herself because she has cancer!" and then looks at the date and sees it is way in the past and her mom is alive and the daughter intuitively knows her mother does not have cancer and they go to find her in the Garden releasing ladybugs.

It's not exactly how the dream went cause it's been a few hours and is fading from memory. However, I woke up feeling somehow changed and a bit scared of the realizations from this dream until reading something my Teacher has written many times. "Let the world be."

Which in this case is let the mind/thoughts not understand.

DEATH (Melancholia)

This morning on my walk the body was very tired, this isn't a common occurrence any more, although it used to be.  So I only made it half way and turned around and came back home...at other times, I may have pushed myself to make it...suck it up and just get it done...but my walks have shifted quite a bit over the years and there really is no point in the walking...it is just walking...there is no where to get to and no reason for doing it (though I used to think there was) just simply walking .

When these things happen, becoming that tired...I am much more aware that things will eventually end.  I have, even as a young child, been acutely aware of death.  Sometimes I have been drawn to it as an escape and have had made attempts to "get out" of this world that way.  There have also been times that I have been extremely scared of death and the bodily pain that maybe associated with the experience.  One time I was pretty freaked out about it my Teacher said, "well, one thing you do know is that it will end."  That took some time to sink in...and now...there is a knowing that no matter how painful something is (not only painful but any emotion or state) eventually it will end and in that knowing...is a release of the fear and a recognition of this moment, one where there is not pain and no need to be afraid that pain may come at some other time.  A redirection of the attention, if you will, to what everything is showing up In.

Death and Fear are actually the same thought...because neither can really be experienced...you can be afraid of death...but you cannot experience it … so if you cannot experience Death than what is there to be afraid of....they are both ghosts.  If you are dead...who is experiencing it?  (Once again...one is pointed to the question of "Who am I?")  Who dies?  The body cannot experience death...it is either alive or dead.

Really the reason, at least for me, that death has been so scary, is because it reveals to the mind that it does not have control...you know you don't have control over death...even if you suicide...you know inside that you are only doing it because you are afraid of death...you are afraid that you are not in control of your life...which you are not.  However, you could just relax in that knowing instead of being afraid.  You haven't ever been in control, you just think you have and your thoughts actually come after action.  You may think that they come before you do something but you have been wrong...you may not like to hear that but it is so...the action happens and then thoughts appear and you think you did something.  You are watching a movie called "my life" but you are not the director or even the actor...you are just the watcher and as you slow down and allow this to be revealed to you...you smile a lot more.

So there has been a fascination with death for me....I have experienced many losses in life, physically lost people very close to me and have gone to some pretty deep depths of despair at times.  The undoing of what I believed has been quite emotionally painful at times although I wouldn't change a thing...not if I could.

So this morning I got home pretty exhausted and which made it perfect to take some time out and watch a movie that my Teacher recommended that he had recently watched called "Melancholia."  I snaggled into the couch with some blankets and turned on the Roku and got onto Netflix because it is an instant play film and made some tea and let the body rest as I watched the movie.  And it is very good...it is visually beautiful and Kirsten Dunst does a really good job...actually all the actors did a really good job. 

One of the things that came up for me was purpose...you know many people say that things happen for a reason and we all seem to be working to get better or improve life … but what if nothing means anything...that everything that you "think" you are working towards or for...is just for nothing...there is no meaning at all...you have just been (in one sense) killing time (which doesn't exist anyway).

Does it really make a difference what you are doing in this life?  I'm not saying this in a depressing sort of way...maybe in a way that you can look and just see … "what am I doing?"  I mean if you are just wasting time anyway...what are you wasting it on.  Possibly you can relax in yourSelf more and more as you see that this is all going to end and there is no rush to get anywhere.

Sometimes at first, you may become scared and go through the process that you are going to die (you as you think of yourself … are going to die) and then you will possibly begin to relax into the fact that everything does...we are just seemingly floating in space on a giant composter.  We are on the Cemetary Planet...everything here dies and is born...but who you are isn't born and doesn't die...who you Truly Are...the planet is in.  This is the beginning of seeing Heaven on Earth.  Heaven is looking out of you...and everything, however, one must begin to question who they are to begin to See.

Anything that pushes one closer to the Present moment, where nothing, no thing is happening...is a Gift.  And so Melancholia the movie...is that gift to me today...another reminder that this will all come to an end and a Pointer to what doesn't.

Rest in Peace.
  ~Joysters

The Game

How about looking at life like a computer game...

The game reveals to you ways to keep the game going like clues that lead you places in the game...keep you entranced and feeling like you are getting somewhere in the game...cause in a way you are...you get to go to the next level if you crack certain challenges...that's what challenges in a computer game do...but they don't really get you anywhere...your still sitting in your chair playing a game as if you have accomplished something...but that is the prize that is overlooked...you win in the game sure...but the Player...You...have not moved nor gained anything that wasn't there before you started playing.

If you've ever played a computer game...you first of all know...that everything that you are going to do in the game has already been set up for you and done...tested by its Creator and signed and sealed...in a sense the game is already over before you start playing and there is nothing you can do about that...but knowing this doesn't make you any better or less for playing...you bought the game to play it.

One of my favorites games for a while was Grand Theft Auto Vice City...good graphics...you can sort of feel like you are driving the car around in the game...good music...so I played for hours...watched my friends and family play and watched them use cheat codes to get all this extra cool stuff that is hidden in the game.... used information that is in the game to "seemingly" get places and win points...and this to me is such a good example of looking at life...cause it is set up to look like our so-called reality and is such a cool pointer as to see that maybe life as we think it is...how real we think it is...really isn't what we think it is...

A way to say this right now...is this body is a Joystick (no pun intend) :o) and You are playing a game but you don't have any real choices...cause it's all already set up...your choices are limited to the game. There aren't any real levels even though in this world it looks like their are...it keeps it entertaining.

Well if I had a point in typing it I am beginning to forget now.

Oh Yes...

You are already Awake and no one can tell you that (even though I just did)...no one can make you believe it (it's beyond belief) You know it...whether you resist, deny or preach It...It IZ.

Signed, sealed and delivered :o)))) 

~Joysters