LIVING WITH UNANSWERED QUESTIONS...

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In a world where there is instantaneous everything, for most, living with unanswered questions can be a beginning step in the discovery of who you are.  Many may ask the question “who am I?”  And then like with all things of the world, expect an immediate answer and not only immediate, but one that is completely understood and explainable.  However, this is not the domain or way of the Truth of who you Are.  Even this writing will mislead you. 

The way of the Truth of Who you Are, is filled with twists and turns and paradox, inconsistencies and incongruent (ness), hypocrisy and ludicrousness.  It is not a straight road … except it is.  How do you tell someone you are on a road to nowhere (now here)?  You don’t, but your life being lived will reflect it and those that are paying attention will begin to see through you, that it is true. 

So next time you need an answer to anything that comes up, take a pause, don’t be so quick to find the answer.  See if you can hold out and see whether or not the answer shows up in a way you could not have predicted.  This is the fun of beginning to See.  You begin to See that everything you have ever needed shows up.  But you overlook it when you are searching for the answer, you don’t get to see all the many ways it comes … because you are looking for something specific.  When you put your search down for an answer, it allows for all possibilities to that question to arise … it’s like opening a box and then just leaving it open … not looking inside, just leaving it open, you might even begin to allow the possibility that you don’t even know what a box is … this is not becoming an idiot, it is seeing that we have labeled everything to the point that we actually don’t know what anything is, we just assume we do because it has a label…that is actually being an idiot as opposed to allowing for not knowing. 

So just for today, be the box with the open top and allow that you don’t know who or what you are, but you are interested.  And wait and see.

FEAR

What are you afraid of?

We have been trained to believe that what we “think” and “see” are real.  Not necessarily what we actually see, but what we see on TV or through the Internet.  But how often have you actually seen, what they say happens on TV…in your reality?  You can spend your whole life afraid of things that will not ever happen to you.  All that you are afraid of is a belief that it could happen to you.  But come on … take a look at your life … honestly … you’re alive right now somewhere reading this … didn’t everything work out?  Honestly, hasn’t your life worked out for you, everything has worked out and you are now in the moment you are in, with a whole day ahead of you to be surprised by what shows up.

The fear that arises from what we “think” and what we see on TV or read or hear on the Internet is not really fear.  It is fear of fear.  Real fear is when something is actually happening.  Like a car is coming at you, that is real fear and the body will more than likely jump out of the way or freeze like a deer in headlights, but that would be an actual “feeling” of fear, experience of “fear.”  But fear of fear, is when you are afraid that something may or may not happen because of something you think or something one-step removed (i.e., like TV or Internet news/talk).

One of many huge Gifts I received from reading the Autobiography of Mark Twain, is that he shows (since it was written over 100 years ago) that things do not really change.  People are still scared of the same things that happened or were thought of 100 years ago.  The newspaper stories from back then are not much different than now, there was still corruption, unemployment, murders, abuses, scandals, wars … everything that is happening now was happening then … it just looks different because the faces and names have changed.  This was/is a huge gift to see because when one is willing to see, you see that things just happen.  So, forget worrying about it, just wait and see what happens.  Let life reveal itself to you.  It always is anyway. 

If you are honest you can see that it has always worked out, why not just accept that that is the way.  It doesn’t mean that you may or may not like how it works out, but it will work out and not just for you but for everyone.  So you can turn off the TV and Internet every once in awhile and go outside and breath the fresh air, look up at the sun, check out the stars and put your feet in the ocean.  You can take a break from all the drama of the world.  It will still be there when you want it, when you want to be afraid or scare yourself, turn it back on or find that friend that always has all the bad news to give you :o)  But if you are starting to see the cracks in the stories of how bad it all is, then go out and look at the day and smile at it.  It’s all for you.

SHUTTER

This morning there was the thought that when beginning to investigate who one is, there seems to be periods of time where there is Knowing (or Awareness of who one is) and then not knowing.  There will be an opening and an obviousness that there is no individual "I."  And then it seems to disappear and the "I" seems real again.

What flashed was a picture in the mind of a shutter... like on a camera or the phones now a days have an image of a lens opening taking a picture and then closing.  One of the definitions of a "shutter" is said to be: a mechanical device that limits the passage of light.  That is sort of how it is...there is a lens (we can call it the "I" thought) and when it is in full use it is like having a closed shutter on a camera, it hides the light (it does not change or alter the Light, it only hides it).  Self-investigation is the opening of the lens and Light shines forth (though not limited to investigation, sometimes the lens completely opens with no attempt to do the opening, but that is rare).  

The more one investigates who one is, the less there is of them, and the more the Light shines through.

THE NOW MOMENT

The Now Moment is such a simple truthful phrase and often completely missed out on.  How often are you completely aware of the Moment you are In?  Take a look, what is actually going on around you?  Do you find that the thoughts that appear are telling you all the things you have to get done, that you are not doing?  Can you be some other place than where you are?  Let's look honestly.  Are you focused on what is going on around you, in front of you or is the attention on the thoughts about the past or the future?  You can only have thoughts about the past or the future because thoughts are not in the Present Moment.  Even a thought about the Present Moment, is in the past (can you see that?).  

The Present Moment cannot be thought.  To think it...is to not be Aware of it.  To become Aware of it, begin to pay attention to what you are actually doing, not what you think you should be doing.  If you should be doing it, you would be, so don't worry about what you should be doing and pay attention to what you are.

You are in the perfect Moment, Present Moment you can be in (that is why it is the Present/Gift).  If you weren't supposed to be in the moment that you find yourself in, you would be somewhere else (your life is not of your doing...but you cannot see this until you begin to pay attention).  It is not about stopping thoughts, they will still be there, it's refocusing the attention on what is happening, not what is thought about what is happening and not what is thought about what could or could not happen.  This is not something to "think" about (even though you probably will). This is something to be Aware of.  Be Aware of the Life you are In.

"I" Will Survive...Not.

Most people believe that they will survive death, not all, but most.  This is because they have identified who they are with the body and ultimately with the thought "I" or the personality, which was only created during the time you have been in the world accumulating the knowledge of who and what you are, by your tastes and traits and upbringing.

This short little video says it all.  This is the "I" thought shouting out at the world that it will survive, hence the creation of a "heaven" where all the personalities that can't seem to get along in the world will some how miraculously get along in some other place after the body dies.  But this is a lie that only those that would like to think that they don't have to die, believe in.

There actually is a Heaven, but you don't get to go there, you are already in IT.  But that is a big leap.  

In this world, what is born in this world, does not leave this world and that includes the body and the personality or "I" thought.

So sing and dance and play and laugh until that ball comes falling from the sky which will discontinue the "you" in this world.  You can also begin to take the time to focus the attention on what wasn't born into this world, and doesn't die when the world ends, because the world is in IT, just like "you."

RUNNING (To or From Emotions)

The "I" thought (who you think you are) is always running to or from an emotion...because the "I" thought takes one away from the Now moment.  The "I" thought is telling a story about something that has happened in the past and or will happen in the future.  But if you take a moment to look at this...how can one be out of the moment they are in?  It can't really happen...there is no future or past...there is only a story about a "future" or "past."

It seems simple huh and it really is that simple.  However, don't be fooled by the power of the mind...you are already thinking about this instead of just having the "ah ha" that it brings that to be in the Present moment...you cannot think about it...it is the thinking that takes the Awareness off the Present Moment.  

Begin listening when you hear the thought "I."  Just begin to admit that it may not be true.  That you don't need an "I" to exist.  You don't need a story to be who you are...you are always being who you are.  Emotions keep one running after thoughts.  Without a story about what the emotion is...there would only be raw emotion.  But if you start telling a story about emotion...like I feel sad because so so did something to me the other day and I don't like so and so...if you tell the story about sadness then you keep the emotion alive and going...but you could just as well not tell a story about it...feel the emotion and don't call it anything...just raw emotion "feel it" then it just comes like a wave ... rises up ... and fades away.  It is the same with good emotions...like love and happiness...you don't have to tell stories about them either.  Just be it.

You are beginning to see that your thoughts are not important.  They don't do or change anything...they are always in the past because you aren't in the Present Moment if you are thinking about it.  It will become more and more easy to just relax and not understand what all this means.  The less you think about it the more you are in It.

If you find a good story running a line on you...one that you keep wanting to watch...in the middle of it just say to yourself "think..ing"  Take a breath and no that whatever you are thinking about is insignificant...that you have never had an important thought in all your life and that actually you have no idea where thoughts even come from and utimately that you have no idea who you are.  You cannot stop thinking from happening but you can begin to see through thought.  So that your attention is on what doesn't move.  Then the thoughts are just clouds in the sky.  They just drift by.

"I" am not who "I" think I am...and neither are you.

If it can be thought...it is not who you Are.

Spiritual Vitamin for June 6th (You are not who you think you are)

ACHING

When you find yourself alone...with very few distractions around and an ache in your chest that won't seem to dissipate and you know that there is no one you can call that will make it feel any better because you have tried all those routes before and all they do is numb or  temporarily alleviate the ache...but the ache always returns and you find yourself crying but you are not sure why.  

Sometimes death will bring this ache...the death of a loved one or the death of a relationship or the loss of a job...some kind of significant even might bring about this ache.  But sometimes the ache just comes...and there is nothing outwardly bringing it about...you can play music or turn on the TV but it is still there...it makes everything seem dark and you begin to realize that you have always been this alone.  It is the times that we want to call out to someone...anyone to help us and we know there is no help from this ache...that we begin to see that we have always been this alone.

Even as a baby...when you cried out to your parents they would come and temporarily ease your discomfort...but even then you were alone in yourSelf.  If they did not come...if they were not able to answer your cry...you were alone and even when they came ... you are alone...but we go through life thinking that we are not that alone because it can be so scary...but everyone is that alone...we pretend that we aren't so that we can feel safe...but it is all make believe.

The longer you can stay with the aloneness...when it comes...the deeper you will get to know yourself...the more you will find that you are not who you think you are and that the ache that comes is calling you to Know yourSelf.  There is a saying ... many are called but few choose to listen.  The call is the pain.  The call is not to avoid the pain but to allow it to reveal to you the Gift it brings.

Alone

There is a paradox that runs in life that assists in helping one believe that they are not alone.  The paradox is "other."  That there appears to be someone else besides you "out there."  And that is how this is kept real.  As long as there is someone out there then there is "proof" that there is someone "in here." 

However today on my walk...there was a moment of clarity that everyone is completely alone...because there is only One.  I have misidentified myself with the body and with the external world.  All things are in the Self...including the paradox of "you and I."  Which would make one believe that there are three...Self, you and I ... however...you and I are in Self (and in that there is no "you" and "I" we are the One) and Self is not a thing...not a body, not an idea...it IS greater than what can be imagined because imagination is in It.

So I sat down to write this as an imagined separate self...but it is not me writing it...because I don't know what is going to be typed.  I am just (for lack of a better description) watching this be typed...watching the typing and then watching the thoughts appear about what is being typed and yet I am not the typing or the thoughts...all things bring one back to the question "who am I?" 

I want you to be real so that I don't feel so alone.  But nothing can keep me from this aloneness because I am that alone.  MyTeacher has been saying for years "you are all alone, surrounded by all the help you need."  That is finally getting through...the fear of being alone has kept a search going to find a way to not be alone...however in being alone...Aloneness itSelf...all things come searching for me...just like I have searched and been found...you are searching to be found too and I am a lighthouse in the darkness.  I am what points all things back to itSelf.

So you are Aloneness...as am I.  You are searching and I am found. 

DEATH (Melancholia)

This morning on my walk the body was very tired, this isn't a common occurrence any more, although it used to be.  So I only made it half way and turned around and came back home...at other times, I may have pushed myself to make it...suck it up and just get it done...but my walks have shifted quite a bit over the years and there really is no point in the walking...it is just walking...there is no where to get to and no reason for doing it (though I used to think there was) just simply walking .

When these things happen, becoming that tired...I am much more aware that things will eventually end.  I have, even as a young child, been acutely aware of death.  Sometimes I have been drawn to it as an escape and have had made attempts to "get out" of this world that way.  There have also been times that I have been extremely scared of death and the bodily pain that maybe associated with the experience.  One time I was pretty freaked out about it my Teacher said, "well, one thing you do know is that it will end."  That took some time to sink in...and now...there is a knowing that no matter how painful something is (not only painful but any emotion or state) eventually it will end and in that knowing...is a release of the fear and a recognition of this moment, one where there is not pain and no need to be afraid that pain may come at some other time.  A redirection of the attention, if you will, to what everything is showing up In.

Death and Fear are actually the same thought...because neither can really be experienced...you can be afraid of death...but you cannot experience it … so if you cannot experience Death than what is there to be afraid of....they are both ghosts.  If you are dead...who is experiencing it?  (Once again...one is pointed to the question of "Who am I?")  Who dies?  The body cannot experience death...it is either alive or dead.

Really the reason, at least for me, that death has been so scary, is because it reveals to the mind that it does not have control...you know you don't have control over death...even if you suicide...you know inside that you are only doing it because you are afraid of death...you are afraid that you are not in control of your life...which you are not.  However, you could just relax in that knowing instead of being afraid.  You haven't ever been in control, you just think you have and your thoughts actually come after action.  You may think that they come before you do something but you have been wrong...you may not like to hear that but it is so...the action happens and then thoughts appear and you think you did something.  You are watching a movie called "my life" but you are not the director or even the actor...you are just the watcher and as you slow down and allow this to be revealed to you...you smile a lot more.

So there has been a fascination with death for me....I have experienced many losses in life, physically lost people very close to me and have gone to some pretty deep depths of despair at times.  The undoing of what I believed has been quite emotionally painful at times although I wouldn't change a thing...not if I could.

So this morning I got home pretty exhausted and which made it perfect to take some time out and watch a movie that my Teacher recommended that he had recently watched called "Melancholia."  I snaggled into the couch with some blankets and turned on the Roku and got onto Netflix because it is an instant play film and made some tea and let the body rest as I watched the movie.  And it is very good...it is visually beautiful and Kirsten Dunst does a really good job...actually all the actors did a really good job. 

One of the things that came up for me was purpose...you know many people say that things happen for a reason and we all seem to be working to get better or improve life … but what if nothing means anything...that everything that you "think" you are working towards or for...is just for nothing...there is no meaning at all...you have just been (in one sense) killing time (which doesn't exist anyway).

Does it really make a difference what you are doing in this life?  I'm not saying this in a depressing sort of way...maybe in a way that you can look and just see … "what am I doing?"  I mean if you are just wasting time anyway...what are you wasting it on.  Possibly you can relax in yourSelf more and more as you see that this is all going to end and there is no rush to get anywhere.

Sometimes at first, you may become scared and go through the process that you are going to die (you as you think of yourself … are going to die) and then you will possibly begin to relax into the fact that everything does...we are just seemingly floating in space on a giant composter.  We are on the Cemetary Planet...everything here dies and is born...but who you are isn't born and doesn't die...who you Truly Are...the planet is in.  This is the beginning of seeing Heaven on Earth.  Heaven is looking out of you...and everything, however, one must begin to question who they are to begin to See.

Anything that pushes one closer to the Present moment, where nothing, no thing is happening...is a Gift.  And so Melancholia the movie...is that gift to me today...another reminder that this will all come to an end and a Pointer to what doesn't.

Rest in Peace.
  ~Joysters