SUICIDE ...

(Click for today's Vitamin)

This morning during Meditation the topic came up to write about suicide.  This is not an easy topic to talk about, well it is easy to talk about but maybe it is not so easy to hear, we shall see.  Today is the 11^th anniversary of my significant other, of nine years, Mark’s death.  It is not surprising that this would be a topic of discussion, but it is surprising in that it showed up.

All “suicide” stems from one thing.  Suicide stems from the belief in the “I” thought.  Without an “I” there is no one that would commit suicide.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t know how powerful thoughts can be.  I have attempted suicide on a few occasions so I do know how dark it can get and how strong a belief can become.  I am not belittling the power of the mind.  What I would like to do … is shed some LIGHT on it. 

Let’s take this slowly if we can.  Thoughts of suicide appear when one is paying attention to thoughts and not who they ARE.  You are not a thought, if you were, you couldn’t pay attention to it … you would be it.  So when someone attempts suicide it is because they have placed the attention on a “thought” and in turn created it into a belief and then believe the “belief” is true.  It is usually something about themselves and/or the circumstance they “think” they are in.  Suicide wouldn’t exist if everyone would just wait to see what happens, instead of just assuming they know what will happen.

So let’s give an example of how a “thought” becomes a “belief.”  Let’s use warts (heh) as an example.  If you have ever had a Plantar’s Wart, you know that it starts out small (like a thought) and then over time it gets harder (like when you keep paying attention to a thought) and then eventually it is so hard that you have to get it cut out or nitrogen to remove it (a belief becomes solidly believed and suicide seems the only option). 

So if you can see this … if you can see the thought become solid and believed in, then you also can see that the undoing of the belief is the undoing of Suicide.  One does not have to kill the “I” thought and killing the body will not kill the “I” thought.  How sucky is that if you thought you were going to be done an over with (which you will) and you just find yourself without a body but still thinking you exist.  There is a good book on this, I am not saying it is the Truth (you don’t need to take it literal) but it is a good pointer and can be helpful in seeing things from a different perspective.  It is called “Stephen Lives.”

So it is not about killing the “I” thought, it is beginning to see that it is not real.  Only you can stop paying attention to the thoughts, the quickest way to begin doing this is to look and see who is watching the thoughts.  You can’t be the thought if you are watching the thought, so who is watching?  This will take some practice because you have been watching the thoughts for so long and you believe them to be true.  Look how strong beliefs are; if we didn’t have them, there would be no war, there would be nothing to fight over, if you didn’t believe there was something to fight over.  And how do you begin to see that there is nothing to fight over, by beginning to STOP and take a look, honest look around you and see if anything that you believe or are thinking, is actually happening, or are you just “thinking” about it.  If you are just “thinking” about it then it is not real, it is your imagination and you must wait and see what shows up.  Stop assuming you know what is going to happen, you don’t.  So begin to start waiting to see what will happen, you might be pleasantly surprised.

So if you are having thoughts about suicide and how awful everything is, you may want to at first, get some help with the emotional part of it, that can be assisted by certain medications and I am not saying that everyone should be medicated, but sometimes it does help just to get you to a place where you can begin to see that thoughts are not real.  So there are benefits to medication, but watch yourself, make a plan not to be on them more than say three months, and do the work.  Self-investigate.  Do this with the question “who am I?” and write down everything that comes and if it is something that you can change or alter then it is not who you are, do a process of elimination until there is nothing left (no beliefs about who you are, all that is left is who you Are, without beliefs).  Continue to bring yourself/attention back to the moment you are IN.  Not the one you are “thinking” about, the one right in front of your face.

Please feel free to write to me privately.

There is also a movie called “The Bridge” that you can watch online by clicking that link, it is well done and can offer, again, some insights.

JUST PLAYING MY PART

Bradley Albert Allen Pollard

("That's My Plan" by Steven Walters)

It is said that Shakespeare announced that “we are all actors and the world is our stage.”  How often do we hear words and they ring true but we just let them go by without investigation.  Do you like the saying?  Or does it scare you?  If you like it, do you believe it or just simply take it as an interesting idea?  If it scares you, is it the thought that you are not the one doing it, that brings up the fear?  For if you are the actor, who wrote the script and where are you going and what will you do?  Ever notice that you can make all the plans you want to, but rarely does it happen the way you think it will?  You go to bed the night before and have all these plans about how the day will play out and then upon waking none of them happen.

You are not in control.  Life is being lived through you.  You have been assigned a part and it is being played out beautifully no matter whether you like it or dislike it, the show goes on.  If you don’t believe this, see if you can stop it.  See if you can stop doing what you do.  All things that point to Truth can be investigated.  You don’t have to take someone’s word for it, all you have to do is see for yourself.

We are all used to Serve Life.  Your only role is actually to watch how you are used.  Eventually, as you begin to watch as opposed to “thinking” you are doing it, you will begin to be surprised by life.  It is actually working for you and everyone.  Most people don’t like the “thought” that they are being used, however, it happens in spite of one’s likes or dislikes.  The more comfortable you become with it the more enjoyable life becomes.  Because that old saying “what you resists persists” is not just a saying.  But as you begin to become Aware that you are not doing it…it creates a natural relaxation and then resistance goes down and you get to see what you do.  Most people “think” they know what they will do, they think they know everything that is going to happen and how they will react to it.  But it is not true, you don’t ever know what you will do until the moment arrives for you to do it.  So many times there has been the thought that “I” will do something or will not do something and the something “I” said I wouldn’t do, “I” did and the something “I” said “I” would do…didn’t happen.  Just begin to watch and wait and see what it is that you do or don’t do, don’t tell a story about it (or even if you do…don’t believe it so firmly).

We are all just playing our parts, we can be kind to one another while we do it, kindness comes from seeing that we are all doing the best that we can, how could we do any better than what we are doing, if we could, we would, we can only think we can do better and “better” is the enemy of good, because it is saying that the moment we are in isn’t good enough.  If there is to be a “better” it will come.

So back to being used, all things Serve.  Sometime we serve in ways that look helpful and sometimes we serve in ways that don’t look helpful, but just know that everything helps itSelf, no matter what it looks like.  There are so many examples but here are three that stick out for me.

One, my son Michael (Mikel) and I went to Disney World when he was 9, there was a ride there that was set up like a haunted house and you get in an elevator and it takes you up and then it drops you and things jump out at you on different floors and it was a big ride and probably very scary looking for a 9 year old.  He didn’t want to go on…he was very scared.  As a parent, I was aware that the ride would not hurt him (unless by some freak event), but I also know that he didn’t know that, I didn’t want him to become afraid of everything in life (that is what was coming up at the time…to push him…push him to do and see something that he was scared of, so that he would not be afraid) so I told him he was going on it and of course he said he wasn’t.  I told him I didn’t care if he ended up in therapy hating me for this…he was going on it (yes that does sound mean, but sometimes we need a kick in the ass to get past our fears).  I literally dragged him on the ride, it was not pleasant and it was embarrassing too, however something was pushing me to make sure this happened (there was not thinking about it…there wasn’t a plan that said if you do this … this will work out…it was just a gut Knowing to do it…to follow through).  We get on the ride…he is in tears…I tell him I will be with him and I will not let anything happen to him.  He had to trust that I have his best interest and would not do something to hurt him and so he got on the ride.  And we went down, fast … I was scared and things jumped out at us and we screamed.  But when we got off that ride he turned to me and said “Mom!  Let’s do it again!” :o)  Now it could have ended up a disaster but it didn’t and it led me to Trust deeper in myself that when my gut says to do something to do it…not because I know what the outcome will be…it is a deepening into not knowing and a deepening in Trust that one is led always by the Self.

Two, my son Tyler (Tman) was/is very athletic and I wanted him to play football because I knew he would like it.   He had played pop-warner when he was seven or eight and it was probably too soon and it intimidated him and we quit the team.  So when we moved to Yreka, I wanted him to give it a try again because something inside was saying it would be good for him that he would like it.  He signed up without much of an argument about it, but then there were some stories being told about how football was so rough and boys were getting really hurt (there are those risks) and so Tyler came home one day and said that he decided he didn’t want to play that he wasn’t going to.  I told him no way, we signed up and you give it two weeks and if after two weeks you hate it, then you can quit.  He was not happy about this and gave me quite a bit of guff about it, even had some parents contact me to tell me it wasn’t right that I was forcing him to play.  But for whatever reason (actually because it is not up to me) I stuck to my guns and made him go (just because I say this doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to do…it is hard to stick to something to stand by something, not hard in itself, but painful when you do not know if you are doing the right thing, you just have to stand in your own ground and have your fingers crossed (in a sense, in the beginning) that it will all work out and if it doesn’t it still will).  After two weeks…I didn’t hear a word of him quitting.  He loved football, became the Quarterback and though he took a long pause…finished his senior year on the MMA Leatherneck Football team!

The third, is a bit different, because it is not so solid and easy to explain, but it was almost 12 years ago now and I was driving from up here in Etna to Chandler AZ and as I was driving down the road, it was late at night and I was still a few hours away, a thought appeared that if I had a ring and I could use it to change anything I want from happening, would I use it.  Now you have to understand that this came as a very serious internal question, if it hadn’t it wouldn’t still be with me to this day.  I said no I would not use it, that I was willing for life to be how it is, that I would not want that power.

A few hours later I arrived where I was living at the time and one of my best friends Ethan met me and told me that Mark had died.  He had crashed his motorcycle in front of where we were living and he didn’t survive. Those two things linked for me for a very long time.  His death and my not changing anything and wondering if I actually could have.  Overtime, it has deepened something in me, he has been closer to me at times, than when he was living, this I cannot explain.  However, I still would not take the power, even to bring him back physically, because in his death he has revealed that he is HERE Always.  The ring would have been the boobie prize.

All this to say, things are the way they are, you can either sit back and enjoy the ride or panic and be scared that it isn’t going to go the way you want it to, either way the ride goes on.

WORDS (Love)

Words and actions, words as action … words … only the meaning you give to them.  It’s been said that action is louder than words, really?  Have you ever read a book that changed your entire life?  Has someone said one word to you and your whole day change?  Recently someone just said two simple words “Empty Mind” and a whole Rap Song/Poetry appeared (the beats need work).  So words can create (seemingly) and inspire action.

Once spent some time attempting to teach people from other countries words from the English language through the dictionary.  It seemed like an impossible task.  Just about every word has more than one meaning and so attempting to explain to someone with “words” that the same word can have two (or more) different meanings made it very complicated to communicate.  This may have been the beginning of the spark that led to “no words speak the Heart.”  That actually the Heart Speak is before the words and what the words ride on and to pay attention to that.

How can one begin to see this?  Let’s take a saying that is said a lot (which is great it’s one of the best to say and truly is the only thing we are ever really saying both with words and without no matter how it appears in reality), “I love you.”

Ultimately you know, what Love is, whether you are aware of it or not, because you are IT.  However, this saying can be heard in many different ways because of the life experiences that we have and how covered over we become by those experiences. 

In this world if you say “I love you,” there usually are expectations around it, but that is not Love, that is “you love me and “I” will love you back.”  It is a game of give and take and if you don’t do what “I” want then “I” will not love you anymore.  That is not the Love that is being spoken of here.  The Love that is being spoken of, doesn’t change, doesn’t move, isn’t dependent on it’s return, it just IS.  It is willing to have the pleasure and the pain of Loving.  It knows the depths of the saying “There is Beauty in the Pain.” 

You will find that many of the greatest Artists, suffered the most tragedy (by this worlds standards) to create the Masterpieces that bring about the emotion of Love (in all its forms, which is all forms).  It is the willingness that when one loses in Love, they reap the reward of Love itSelf.

Now back to words.  Saying “I Love You” to someone is natural, we have made it into something possessive, but it is natural to Love.  Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you get to own them, it means you get to Love them.  Loving is the Gift not the person, the person is the Gift that you get to see Love through, but when you make it so that it is only that person, then you block the love that is all around you, and yet when you become aware that Love is not limited, it grows.

If you have children this is easy to see, if you have more than one even easier, when you have your first child you love them so much, there is nothing you would not do, then if you find you are having another child you may find the thoughts appear that say “How will “I” ever love another child as much as the one I already have?”, but after the child comes, you realize there is no limit to Love.  You don’t love one child more than another. 

This is how it is with everyone, not just your children, but Love grows like this with everyone.  The more willing you are to Love people, animals, life itself, the more it grows, you can Love everyone like you Love your children.  Just because one thinks something is impossible, doesn’t make it so. 

Recently took a class to learn about motorcylces and had to pick up a 700lb bike off the ground so that if it falls while being riden it can be picked up.  It seemed absolutely impossible, didn’t think there was anyway this massive bike would get picked up.  Slipped a few times and had to change shoes, then it still seemed too heavy but there was so much encouragement to do it, that it was kept on with.  Calmed down, laid back, and slowly eased the bike up with the lower back, took small steps one by one and then the bike was upright.  Had done it!  Didn’t think it could be done, but it was … next another woman made her attempt and she also said “no, no I can’t” and however since it happened for this one it was known that she could do it.  Started cheering her on … telling her what this one had done wrong the first time and to lay back relax and small steps.  She then did it too and we both shared that once we got past the thoughts that said “I” can’t” it happened.  Then we both were cheering the other women on which all of them also seemed to say “no “I” can’t first.” 

So this is how it is with Love.  You can Love, without expectation or return, you can Love when it seems there is no Love anywhere to be found and you can Love everyone, even the ones that hurt you, because you are Love.

(pic of one of the girls
 picking up the bike)

When my mother was dying, there was a moment right before she passed that there was a flash flood of all of our fighting, all of our disagreements, all of the wantings for the other to be some other way than how they are and then there was a Seeing, that we were always yelling “I Love You” even when the words out of the mouth said “hate” and all of the actions had come from Love, the fights had been “because” we loved each other so much and didn’t know how to help the other. 

How funny that … two people would fight even physically sometimes, because they Love one another so much.  But they did and they do.  That Gift that we were given before she died, left no doubt in this mind that she loved/Loves me completely. 

Everything was healed in that one instant.

Love.

Everything she had ever done in her life in regards to me and everyone else in her orbit came from Love.  And now it is known that it is this way for everyone, even though appearances make it look like it is something else.  

Love has no opposite.

This life changing event has deepened over time, it took quite a lot of years to process and now that it has, it doesn’t mean that there is still not hurt here when someone doesn’t return Love (even though they are but it doesn’t look like it) or when we are mean to each other or say things we don’t mean to hurt one another. 

Maybe now there will be a crack, where you are not so quick to do it - to lash out and hurt another, that when someone says or does something to you that causes you pain, you look at it from the eyes of Love … first and then react. 

However, don’t assume that if you act in a way that seems, unloving, that it isn’t still coming from Love, all things Serve. 

If someone treats you in what we call in this world “unlovingly,” they may just be giving you exactly what you need to experience “Love.” 

Remembering that we do not know what anything is for, while at the same time Knowing that it is all for Love, is what places the cracks in us so the Light can shine.

There are many techniques that can be used to avoid pain, there has usually been, from this one, a quick sarcastic remark or humor put in so that one doesn’t know that they have said something that hurt.  That pattern is now beginning to be seen, it is just an avoidance of the pain, so now, right now, there is pain that comes up and there doesn’t have to be a story placed upon it about something that happened in a past that no longer exists or a future that will not come.

Face the pain in this moment, which is the only moment one ever is in (check it for yourself, you can’t be out of the moment you are in, it is constant), be willing for the pain to arise, and with no story about it, sit and as you sit you begin to feel and what you feel … what the pain covers over … is Love.  Take the pain to the core of your Being and you will find the Gift that is there waiting for You.