SUICIDE

February 11, 2013

This morning during Meditation the topic came up to write about suicide.  This is not an easy topic to talk about, well it is easy to talk about but maybe it is not so easy to hear, we shall see.  Today is the anniversary of my significant other, of nine years, Mark’s death.  It is not surprising that this would be a topic of discussion, but it is surprising in that it showed up.

All “suicide” stems from one thing.  Suicide stems from the belief in the “I” thought.  Without an “I” there is no one that would commit suicide.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that “I” don’t know how powerful thoughts can be.  Have attempted suicide on a few occasions and do know how dark it can get and how strong a belief can become.  So this is not about belittling the power of the mind.  Instead let’s shed some LIGHT on it. 

Let’s take this slowly if we can. 

Thoughts of suicide appear when one is paying attention to thoughts and not who they ARE.  You are not a thought, if you were, you couldn’t pay attention to it … you would be it.  So when someone attempts suicide it is because they have placed all the attention on a “thought” and in turn created it into a belief and then believe the “belief” is true.  It is always something about a past or future that cannot be changed but is not let go of.  The person imagines something about themselves and/or the circumstance they “think” they are in and see no way out, but how could one, you have to be alive to see it.  Suicide wouldn’t exist if everyone would just wait to see what happens, instead of just assuming they know what will happen.

Let’s look at an example of how a “thought” becomes a “belief.”  Let’s use warts (heh) as an example.  If you have ever had a Plantar’s Wart, you know that it starts out small (like a thought) and then over time it gets harder (like when you keep paying attention to a thought) and then eventually it is so hard that you have to get it cut out or nitrogen to remove it (a belief becomes solidly believed and suicide seems the only option). 

So if you can see this … if you can see the thought become solid and believed in, then you also can see that the undoing of the belief is the undoing of Suicide. 

One does not have to kill the “I” thought or any thought and killing the body will not kill the “I” thought, because the “I” thought is not the body. 

How sucky will it be if you kill the body (thinking it is you) only to come to find out that you weren’t the body and now you are without a body but still *think* you exist.  There is a good book on this, it is not the Truth, but it is a good pointer and can be helpful in seeing things from a different perspective.  It is called “Stephen Lives.”

It writing is not about killing the “I” thought, it is about beginning to see that it is not real. 

Only you can stop paying attention to the thoughts, the quickest way to begin doing this is to look and see who is watching the thoughts. 

You can’t be the thought if you are watching the thought, so who is watching? 

This will take some practice because you have been watching the thoughts for so long, you believe them to be true. 

Look how strong beliefs are; if we didn’t have them, there would be no war, there would be nothing to fight over, if you didn’t believe there was something to fight over.  And how do you begin to see that there is nothing to fight over, by beginning to STOP and take a look, honest look around you and see if anything that you believe or are thinking, is actually happening, or are you just “thinking” about it. 

If you are just “thinking” about it then it is not real, it is your imagination and you must wait and see what shows up.  Stop assuming you know what is going to happen, you don’t. 

Begin to start waiting to see what will happen, you might be pleasantly surprised.

If you are having thoughts about suicide and how awful everything is, you may want to at first, get some help with the emotional part of it, that can be assisted by certain medications and am not saying that everyone should be medicated (you actually do not need it … but it can be helpful in the beginning - just to get you to a place where you can begin to see that thoughts are not real). 

There are benefits to medication as well as some awful side-effects, so watch yourself, make a plan not to be on them for very long and do the work.  Self-investigate.  Do this with the question “Who am I?” and write down everything that comes up.  If it is something that you can change or alter then it is not who you are, do a process of elimination until there is nothing left (no beliefs about who you are, all that is left is who you Are, without beliefs).

Continue to bring yourself/attention back to the moment you are IN.  Not the one you are “thinking” about, the one right in front of your face.

Please feel free to write privately.

There is also a movie called “The Bridge” (that is a link to the full movie) that can be watched online by clicking that link, it is well done and can offer, again, some insights.

Discovery...

“The greatest barrier to discovery is not ignorance … 
it is the illusion of knowledge.”

You have been spoon fed for so long through schooling and books and television and Internet so much information that you do not know how to discover anything for yourself.  Become your own project and discover who you are by your own investigation; not by what you have been told through learning.  There is nothing wrong with learning, in that it can help you get around in the world, but be wise with what you come to believe about what you learn.  You don’t want to buy into anything too rigidly.  


An open mind is one that doesn’t become fearful of knowledge but brings light to knowledge.  It’s not about going out and fighting a system but to begin to step out of it so one can see it.  How can you see what you are in, when you are in it.  So you step outside of the norms of life, you do not accept that everything is how you have believed it to be, you allow the possibility that you maybe wrong about what you think, feel and believe and then begin to watch the world from an “outside” view…not as a good or bad, you just begin to view it like you would a project or an investigation.  You begin to watch yourself and the world as an “unknown.”  And then begin to see if what is being shared about you and about the world you live in…is true.  Look at your life and see if it reflects what you are being told.  The news will tell you that only bad things happen…but how often do you actually “see” a bad thing happen for yourself?  



One must begin to step out of the boxes they put themselves in?  One goes in a box so that they “look” like they “fit in” the world.  Those boxes are all the things that you say that you are…what your religion is, what your nationality is, what your country is, what your beliefs about anything is…all of them are boxes to make you feel like you are safe in the crowd, but what is a box but a coffin and the more boxes you have the more layers you have been buried in.



What is it that draws one to being in a box…a coffin?  It is the fear of standing alone…at least in a graveyard there are others seemingly there; but if you get out of the casket you are alone.  To be willing to live outside of boxes one must first face fear.  The fear of being alone, of being misunderstood, of being outcasted, and ultimately of death.  If you face the latter first the rest naturally begin to fall away.  How does one do this?  Take off a box and see if you are willing to die.  If you are religious…drop your religion for a time maybe even just an hour (you can pick it back up later) however become willing for even God to disown you, be willing to die and not know what will happen…you don’t anyway you just believe that you know…but beliefs don’t make things real…they just make boxes.  If you are married, be willing to not know what marriage is, it doesn’t mean you go and leave your spouse or get divorced, it just means that you don’t know what it is.  You have been told what marriage is…but what is it really, what is it to you, has it become a box or is it something that stimulates your growth, these are investigations for you to look into and not even your spouse can do that for you.  Those are two big ones but if even a slight bit of fear comes up to even look at it; you might begin to see the box you have put yourself in and in this, fear becomes a friend, a tool you can use to gauge how deeply you have dug yourself in.  You can use anything, if you believe you are “Human” look into that box…what actually is a human or is it just a label placed on a body because one doesn’t actually know who or what one is.  Do you really know who you are?  That is a genuine question to ask?  You may think that it is more comfortable to assume that you know all these things, because you have learned them…and everyone seems to agree that they are true, but comfort leads to stagnation and a very unfulfilling life.  



It’s not that one shouldn’t be comfortable it is about becoming aware of the unknown, which leads to vibrancy, energy and stimulation, creativity, you begin to see that you don’t ever know what is going to happen, but it becomes obvious and beautiful that you don't.  You aren’t rushing to put everything back in place attempting know how everything should be.  You begin to experience life as it actually is; without any beliefs or boxes or coffins to rest in and to rely.  You become extremely close to the present moment; the one that you are in but continuously overlook.  You become more childlike, you didn’t have to know how to be a child to be one. Your parents didn’t know how to be a parent and to raise a child and yet they did and if you are honest and have children you don’t either, but you don’t need to know, you just become aware of yourself and watch what it is like for “you” not anyone else but “you” to be a child, a adult, and a parent.  You begin to Trust the river of life without boxes, without conformity, without having to pretend to be someone.



Every once in a while for some length of time step away from the TV, the Internet and then when you bring them back pay attention to what you watch on TV and look for on the Internet, pay attention to what you are feeding yourself with information.  As you do these things you become more clear in yourself, you begin to know who you are more intimately, no one is going to have this life experience for you, so don’t waste it on what someone else has lived.  Take the best from every experience, yet have your own.



Take chances and have fun!


ON MUSIC AND THE HEART...

Response to a question posed in Music Class...

Why would Europeans feel that Native American Music is Primitive?

Maybe they thought it was primitive because they use the intellect over feeling or inner-knowledge which cannot be learned but can be known and this leads one when they don't understand something to just categorize and stamp a label on it and call it "primitive" but if life is a timeless experience (which it actually is) "primitive" is a lie.  Yes music has become "fuller" but the energy is still the same.  What song and music comes out of ... does not change.  So it is always the same energy pushing forth what comes through, it may seem more advanced because it is more complex in technique, but it is still the same simple energy it has always been.  However, Thomas Edison was able to see and capture what others were attempt to change.  If it were primitive we wouldn't still desire to hear it ... it would be extinct like the dinosaurs.  However, since there is still a message to hear in it...it is still here.  What we don't understand we attempt to change or destroy.

I worked on a reservation in Arizona for 3 years for a telecommunications company that was separated into two companies, one that was run by the Tribe (Salt River Pima) and they owned the switch for the phone and internet to run off of and offered it to those that lived on the reservation and the other company was run by a group of men and women that built out the switch maintained it and sold it off the reservation (on U.S. soil ... which was always funny that I would leave the country ever day but still be in the Country :o).  

Sometimes it was challenging to get the two companies that were in the same building to function, the Reservation had their way of doing things and the other company had theirs.  The people from the Reservation tended to work much more slowly and took longer to learn things, but they did eventually, but it could be frustrating for the employees of the other company that were looking to progress and sell so they would have to slow down and pace themselves.  What I watched and learned while I was there (and I got frustrated sometimes too and I have Native blood but was not raised in it), I got to see that the people on the Reservation weren't trying to "get" anywhere.  There was no ultimate goal except to do what they were doing.  I really really appreciated this coming from a society where you were always trying to get to the next best thing.  

I also saw how the people on the reservation did start to learn and do things more rapidly and efficiently and had higher self-esteem from their workings with our company.  Everything Serves.  So there was a lot that went on in that company that wasn't so quickly seen, but in a way it was a small microcosm of Pilgrims coming to Native Land and the merging of the two.

I wrote the following journal entry yesterday and it seems related to what is being spoken about.  And although it may seem a bit far fetched (maybe not) at some other time it may not.  It is not edited so please excuse the typos and formatting and run on chatter :o)

2013 06.10 10:42am – So I am having flashbacks (which haven’t happened in a long time) while reading “An Introduction to America’s Music” for MUSIC class and it is speaking about “Fools Crow” who is a main character of Indian decent that is summoned by a realm to take a religious journey which flashes me to 1997, when I had the dream that said “YOU ARE GOING TO SCOTTSDALE ARIZONA” and I didn’t even know where that was and within 6 months was living in Arizona and within a year working in Scottsdale.  I have not ever thought of it as a religious (don’t like that word) journey.  I just thought I was a weirdo that had a dream that there was not option in listening to because I was told to.  It wasn’t an option … it was like an Earth Shattering event. 

So the book goes on to speak about this Indian who had visions of the future to come…which again flashed me to 1998, when I had the visions of the Earth Changes, and how everyone I love would die because New York would be underwater.  And how I wrote to Mom and was telling her to let people know and the only one that really took me with any seriousness about it was Pete, who moved to Colorado or at least I thought he heard me and Mom also.  That is when I found Gordon Michael Scallion (ha! I haven’t looked him up in 1000 years but his website is now called the Matrix Institute of all things my favorite movie  :o) 

I have not ever felt the need since then to spread the news, but I did have a very strong pull to leave AZ after a while as there was always an image that it would be ocean front property but that there wouldn’t be much water to drink for a long time and there would be flooding. 

Fool’s Crow goes on to teach people to make peace within themselves…sounds familiar on this experience I am having…since the only thing I am drawn to is Pointing to That.

Fool’s Crow goes on to say many things about being virtuous and next life stuff that I don’t have much interest in (ha that sounds badly too) but what does interest me is that he mentions that generations to come will know the way it was (which comes also to me in flash and in this music class and in all the Native people I keep coming across including Wayneji).  He speaks of the Below Ones, The Underwater People and the Above Ones and I have had flashes of all of them also and can almost recall living underwater and also eliminating the fear of Aliens in understand … the only ones I have not been in tune with is the Below Ones…I have read about the Lemurians at Mt. Shasta but have not felt a connection with it and have not ever wanted to go underground…don’t care for caves even though I love cave time.  Don’t mind the fear of drowning (though I don’t like it) but I really don’t like being buried alive and the pressure on the body and the lungs and the intensity of feeling cemented in which has come up a few times on Psychedelics.  Water I can handle and it is quick usually but earth is not as kind.

They say Indians were headed for extinction, but from what I can tell in myself you cannot extinct the DNA cause it flows in this blood and it is like having memory bank storage that reveals itself in perfect timing and all the culture is still there, it just isn’t tapped into until the moment arrives that it is … nothing can be lost.  All is recorded. 

When the History of All Time opened up on the back porch of MU in one instant … less than a millisecond (whatever that is) everything was seen and Known about life on Earth…it was so fast and instantaneous that the mind could do nothing…it was helpless to the information and it took a great deal of time (not really but in Earth years it was) to process. 

It is not that I can remember everything that has happened but I know the information is there and available for accessing.  Like I know I could fly a plane if I had to because the information is there.  Do I know how to tap into it…no.  But I don’t need to know… if I am supposed to know…then I will and that is the gift that was given in the History of All Time moment.  Doesn’t mean it will make me better at Math because if I am supposed to suck at it that is how it goes… but I do know that I already Know every bit of Math that could ever be thought up, because there is no such thing as time and so all of everything has already happened and simultaneously nothing ever has.

I am beginning to wonder if my Indian both American and India run much deeper than I can intellectually understand and why I have so many challenges with white men and an underlying anger.  Reminded again of last year when Wayneji said to look into this.  I had thought it was because of my father, but I am seeing now that it was not…it was a deeper line in history of White men doing things that at the time seemed cold and destructive.  I also am aware of the White in me…that on my mother’s side there is a long White line and they were not bad people, but had been immersed in many things that they may have had to turn their head away from or had done themselves for their own survival.  This would be the attraction of my mother to my Father who he seems to have much more of a lineage of Black, Indian both kinds and German keeps coming up (which would account for his background in Science and becoming a Scientist … which I only assume he was from stories he told of working at Bell Labs and seeing the video telephone back in the 70s that we couldn’t even imagine having in our homes and yet I spent the last 10 years video conferencing for QT with my Family all over the world.)

Also no wonder I am drawn to transcription, which is also in the Native and White, blood … Thomas Edison Invented it and used it in recording the Natives both with audio and video.  I imagine Thomas Edison was a user of psychedelics probably mushrooms and peyote.  Don’t take these substances lightly … they are not a party drug though they can be introduced that way…best to revere them as scared so that they can reveal to you the Gift that they are.  A white man like Thomas Edison would be necessary for the information to come through because his brain would have been prepared to formulate and use the information through his education…not just his but the education of his DNA.   That information could not be used on a Native American because they didn’t readily have that part of the brain activated to receive it.  It’s not a level of higher or lower…just information and the ability to access it.  Like you can some “apps” on an Android phone but not on an Iphone and visa versa.  This is what I got to see early on in the business world.  People didn’t get more money because of anything other than that they had information and Dave Chappelle said as you move along in the world you see that life is made up of only two things “Soup” and “Information” and that the more you move up the better the soup and information gets.  Yummers Dave Chappelle, Yummers!

So I would say they saw it as primitive because they did not understand it and maybe it has seemingly taken a long time for it to finally come around to be appreciated and seen for what it is ... a true Gift.

GOD AND AIR...

In Meditation, there became the obviousness of complete dependency on That and then it was revealed that the dependency is like being dependent on air.  You need air to breath, yet you do not need to think about it to know that you are dependent on it and that it is there even though you cannot see it.  That is how all are dependent on That.  It has everyone whether they are aware of it or not.  Usually one is not aware of air yet would be if there wasn't any.  So it was shared to continue to hold on … in a sense to that, as if you are holding on to Air.  You cannot touch it, or grasp it, or do anything to make it come to you or go away from you, but you can rest in that it is there, it is giving you life, and animates you with every breath.

Also similar with Air and God, you can’t put a number on it, or a description … like people will say there is only One and yet you don’t think that about that with Air … one just says Air.  That is how it is with God … it is Supreme Universal Intelligence and yet cannot be explained with the mind … can you really explain Air? 

Everyone is cared for by it (and it is not an it), you don’t earn it, you don't lose it, you can't do anything to stop it, you don’t get to use it; because it is using you :o)  That is why it is said that there is only One (less than One).  The “less than” keeps you from being misled into believing you can know what God is and yet you can Know God/That.  It is a catch 22 and a beautiful mystery that continuously reveals itSelf.  If one takes the time to pay attention to the Air you breath, then it may lead you to become more Aware of That, which you are in.

So that was a very, very welcoming Meditation.

EVERYTHING SERVES...

(Click photo for video)

A question and answer session came up on a morning walk after the statement "Everything Serves" appeared...

Q:  Serves a purpose?

A:  No just Serves.

Q: Serves what?

A: Serves the awareness of the Self.

Q:  Isn’t that a purpose.

A:  Not if you discover who you are.

Q:  Isn’t the discovery of who I am the purpose?

A:  Once who you are is Discovered then everything just Is.

Q:  If everything just is then why discover who you are?

A:  Exactly. Paradoxically, since you think you exist ... everything Serves to reveal that you do not.

Q:  So isn’t that the purpose?

A:  Who would the purpose be for?

     

"The only reason you *think* you exist ... is because you keep saying you do.  Stop validating a lie."  :o)