FREESTYLE

So the eyes are closed and the fingers are just pressing on the keys and we will see what comes.  Freesytle...this is the word that showed up to write about and then I googled the word "Freestyle" and this picture was one of the first on the screen and since I grew up loving graffiti and taggers it was perfect :o)

I wasn't thinking of graffiti when I started out...I was actually just thinking that I was wondering what would come out of these fingers if I just started typing...and here we are.  It is empty inside of here right now...very quiet.  Breathing is slow and eyes are closed and tired.  I am waiting for a video to upload to youtube and have had a bit of a challenging day as I am packing and waited till the last minute to put together a Mothers' Day card and that didn't work anyway cause my printer will not connect to my laptop for some reason...very frustrating and so I dropped the card idea nad wrote a poem and video recorded it but then the recorder has this beeping sound in it and the file saved too large and I couldn't get the beep out but I did shrink the file and now it is uploading so that took a bit of patience.  And during all of that this calm/emptiness has just been here all through it...sometime there is not attention paid to what does't call attention to it.  But luckily for some reason this life time has not allowed me to sleep for long and it finds ways to constantly remind this "thought" that I think I am...to look  towards what cannot be thought.  Therein lies Peace.

It used to be that I was dependent on the peace of the world...I was always looking for quiet or searching for a space to be alone in and life did grant those things for periods of time and now noise is welcome too...because the Peace that is in me...isn't dependent on the outside world to do anything.  Everything can be as it is and Peace is there...even in the worst of moments Peace is here.

I've been meaning to get over to the suicide newsgroup.  I was on it years ago many many years ago and met some really great people over there.  Maybe I will let them know that death isn't necessary for Peace...well bodily death isn't necessary...however the death of who you think you are...is necessary for you to begin to have cracks in the thoughts...cracks big enough to Know Peace.

You're cracked enough or you wouldn't be here.

Alone

There is a paradox that runs in life that assists in helping one believe that they are not alone.  The paradox is "other."  That there appears to be someone else besides you "out there."  And that is how this is kept real.  As long as there is someone out there then there is "proof" that there is someone "in here." 

However today on my walk...there was a moment of clarity that everyone is completely alone...because there is only One.  I have misidentified myself with the body and with the external world.  All things are in the Self...including the paradox of "you and I."  Which would make one believe that there are three...Self, you and I ... however...you and I are in Self (and in that there is no "you" and "I" we are the One) and Self is not a thing...not a body, not an idea...it IS greater than what can be imagined because imagination is in It.

So I sat down to write this as an imagined separate self...but it is not me writing it...because I don't know what is going to be typed.  I am just (for lack of a better description) watching this be typed...watching the typing and then watching the thoughts appear about what is being typed and yet I am not the typing or the thoughts...all things bring one back to the question "who am I?" 

I want you to be real so that I don't feel so alone.  But nothing can keep me from this aloneness because I am that alone.  MyTeacher has been saying for years "you are all alone, surrounded by all the help you need."  That is finally getting through...the fear of being alone has kept a search going to find a way to not be alone...however in being alone...Aloneness itSelf...all things come searching for me...just like I have searched and been found...you are searching to be found too and I am a lighthouse in the darkness.  I am what points all things back to itSelf.

So you are Aloneness...as am I.  You are searching and I am found. 

Coincidence/Synchronicity

Coincidence and synchroncity have played a huge role in my life, and at times have even been quite frightening, the mind/thoughts can become fearful when it can't understand how something has happened. It wants to box and categorize it and make it into something learnable.

The more comfortable I become with not understanding how and why things happen the less fearful they become.

Last night I had a dream that coincided pretty closely with the recent events in my life. I wasn't any one specific person in the dream and it was 4 characters that I was (although not me as I think of myself) sort of looking out of and on to each other...like an inside view out as each played their parts.

The characters were a husband/father (who was a bit of an uptight stressed out and a bit angry man). There was the mother (a bit flakey, scared she had cancer and liked to write in journals). A son (who was autistic). And the daughter (who was a snoop and scared to be alone).

So in this one scene they are all (except the mother) in the master bedroom, the kids are on the floor and the father is pacing back and forth and I am looking out of the son's eyes (in that moment) at the dad and the son is seeing that his dad is very frustrated almost to a rage with something the son has done and wants to scream at him and hurt him. But the son is somehow able to look out of his dad's eyes and has a great realization. The son says to the dad in his Autistic way..."Dad you know why you don't hurt me?"  "Why?" says the dad.   "Because you love yourself...if you didn't and saw yourself in me then you would destroy me, but because you love yourself you cannot hurt me because you see yourself in me."  And the Dad heard him as the boy said it and saw himself in his son and realized that he did love himself through his son.

Meanwhile, the daughter is reading her mother's journal and blurts out "mom is going to kill herself because she has cancer!" and then looks at the date and sees it is way in the past and her mom is alive and the daughter intuitively knows her mother does not have cancer and they go to find her in the Garden releasing ladybugs.

It's not exactly how the dream went cause it's been a few hours and is fading from memory. However, I woke up feeling somehow changed and a bit scared of the realizations from this dream until reading something my Teacher has written many times. "Let the world be."

Which in this case is let the mind/thoughts not understand.

The Game

How about looking at life like a computer game...

The game reveals to you ways to keep the game going like clues that lead you places in the game...keep you entranced and feeling like you are getting somewhere in the game...cause in a way you are...you get to go to the next level if you crack certain challenges...that's what challenges in a computer game do...but they don't really get you anywhere...your still sitting in your chair playing a game as if you have accomplished something...but that is the prize that is overlooked...you win in the game sure...but the Player...You...have not moved nor gained anything that wasn't there before you started playing.

If you've ever played a computer game...you first of all know...that everything that you are going to do in the game has already been set up for you and done...tested by its Creator and signed and sealed...in a sense the game is already over before you start playing and there is nothing you can do about that...but knowing this doesn't make you any better or less for playing...you bought the game to play it.

One of my favorites games for a while was Grand Theft Auto Vice City...good graphics...you can sort of feel like you are driving the car around in the game...good music...so I played for hours...watched my friends and family play and watched them use cheat codes to get all this extra cool stuff that is hidden in the game.... used information that is in the game to "seemingly" get places and win points...and this to me is such a good example of looking at life...cause it is set up to look like our so-called reality and is such a cool pointer as to see that maybe life as we think it is...how real we think it is...really isn't what we think it is...

A way to say this right now...is this body is a Joystick (no pun intend) :o) and You are playing a game but you don't have any real choices...cause it's all already set up...your choices are limited to the game. There aren't any real levels even though in this world it looks like their are...it keeps it entertaining.

Well if I had a point in typing it I am beginning to forget now.

Oh Yes...

You are already Awake and no one can tell you that (even though I just did)...no one can make you believe it (it's beyond belief) You know it...whether you resist, deny or preach It...It IZ.

Signed, sealed and delivered :o)))) 

~Joysters