ACHING

When you find yourself alone...with very few distractions around and an ache in your chest that won't seem to dissipate and you know that there is no one you can call that will make it feel any better because you have tried all those routes before and all they do is numb or  temporarily alleviate the ache...but the ache always returns and you find yourself crying but you are not sure why.  

Sometimes death will bring this ache...the death of a loved one or the death of a relationship or the loss of a job...some kind of significant even might bring about this ache.  But sometimes the ache just comes...and there is nothing outwardly bringing it about...you can play music or turn on the TV but it is still there...it makes everything seem dark and you begin to realize that you have always been this alone.  It is the times that we want to call out to someone...anyone to help us and we know there is no help from this ache...that we begin to see that we have always been this alone.

Even as a baby...when you cried out to your parents they would come and temporarily ease your discomfort...but even then you were alone in yourSelf.  If they did not come...if they were not able to answer your cry...you were alone and even when they came ... you are alone...but we go through life thinking that we are not that alone because it can be so scary...but everyone is that alone...we pretend that we aren't so that we can feel safe...but it is all make believe.

The longer you can stay with the aloneness...when it comes...the deeper you will get to know yourself...the more you will find that you are not who you think you are and that the ache that comes is calling you to Know yourSelf.  There is a saying ... many are called but few choose to listen.  The call is the pain.  The call is not to avoid the pain but to allow it to reveal to you the Gift it brings.

FREESTYLE

So the eyes are closed and the fingers are just pressing on the keys and we will see what comes.  Freesytle...this is the word that showed up to write about and then I googled the word "Freestyle" and this picture was one of the first on the screen and since I grew up loving graffiti and taggers it was perfect :o)

I wasn't thinking of graffiti when I started out...I was actually just thinking that I was wondering what would come out of these fingers if I just started typing...and here we are.  It is empty inside of here right now...very quiet.  Breathing is slow and eyes are closed and tired.  I am waiting for a video to upload to youtube and have had a bit of a challenging day as I am packing and waited till the last minute to put together a Mothers' Day card and that didn't work anyway cause my printer will not connect to my laptop for some reason...very frustrating and so I dropped the card idea nad wrote a poem and video recorded it but then the recorder has this beeping sound in it and the file saved too large and I couldn't get the beep out but I did shrink the file and now it is uploading so that took a bit of patience.  And during all of that this calm/emptiness has just been here all through it...sometime there is not attention paid to what does't call attention to it.  But luckily for some reason this life time has not allowed me to sleep for long and it finds ways to constantly remind this "thought" that I think I am...to look  towards what cannot be thought.  Therein lies Peace.

It used to be that I was dependent on the peace of the world...I was always looking for quiet or searching for a space to be alone in and life did grant those things for periods of time and now noise is welcome too...because the Peace that is in me...isn't dependent on the outside world to do anything.  Everything can be as it is and Peace is there...even in the worst of moments Peace is here.

I've been meaning to get over to the suicide newsgroup.  I was on it years ago many many years ago and met some really great people over there.  Maybe I will let them know that death isn't necessary for Peace...well bodily death isn't necessary...however the death of who you think you are...is necessary for you to begin to have cracks in the thoughts...cracks big enough to Know Peace.

You're cracked enough or you wouldn't be here.

MOOOVING

Recently, I have been asked to move. I live in a remote setting and do not often see people in the physical form.

Fears have come up...all of them having to do with "I." Like "where will I go?" What if "I" cannot find a place "I" can afford? Why is this happening to "me?" Fear, protection, survival mode, will appear when the thought "I" feels threatened. Thoughts and feelings (especially ones of fear) feed off of each other.

When fear is seen as a lie (because it stems from the thought "I"), which we are beginning to see as the Ultimate and only lie <---sit with this a minute.

"I is a lie."

~Harrold the Aligator

You are becoming trained enough to know that when you hear "I/me" in the thoughts, that you are telling yourself a lie and it can always be verified with the questioning of yourself in asking "Who am I?"

So, after the fear subsides, and one finds oneself looking in the classifieds for a place and you get in your car and drive down the road...you may begin to notice that you aren't actually getting anywhere. That the world is coming towards you ... you are not going towards the world. MyTeacher gave a great example once of the screensaver you used to find on like Windows98 where the stars are coming towards you but you are just sitting and looking at the screen that has been such a Gift in seeing and experiencing beyond the intellect that one doesn't actually mooove :o)

Another good example of this is is Rumi a 1200 century mystic Sufi Poet:

“Keep walking, though there's no place to get to. Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings. Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.”

~Rumi

(Special Thanks to Coleman Barks and the many others that have continued to bring Rumi's life to Light):

So each place I stopped at I began to get deeper and deeper hits that I am always in the same place. The faces and pictures may change...but verything is getting more familiar...not like I have been here before but that I am always Here :o) Now.

No matter where "I" move, I am always in the same Place, which is no place...I mentioned to my Friend this morning that (an this anaology has been used before but is a good enough one to repeat) we are in a car (the body) and we are sitting in the back seat and being driven all around but when we look to see who is driving there is no one there, yet the car still moves and we are just watching/Witnessing and with the realization of no driver the question comes again "Who's Driving" which can at first bring fear but not much if you realize also that just because you just found out you are not driving...it has always been this way and as such you are taken care of...you can Trust the Driver because you are proof that the Driver knows where it is going...so you relax sit back and now ask..."well if I am not driving...then Who Am I?" :o)))))

You may find yourself trying to figure it out...and if you can, remember to be kind to yourself...this is the one domain where being an idiot is the Gift and intelligence is the Block. You are not driving...that is the Good News...Relax like you would when you were a child and your parents took you somewhere in the car...you didn't worry about where you were going, or how long it took to get there, sometimes you would just doze off and wake up and find yourself at the beach or the park or the pool and you would rub your eyes and jump out of the car and play...this is how it still is now...the only difference is that you are finding out that your Parents are in the back seat with you.

Ok after all that driving around ...we again come to the place where we find out that we have not ever driven anywhere and that there is no driver and now we are finding that we have actually not ever moved and that the appearance of driving into the sunset...is actually the sunset driving into us. Wow that's something...You are what the world is moving towards.

Who I am...cannot be anywhere other than where it is and it is Still, unmoving. There is no where in the world you can go to get away from It because you and everything in the Universe...is in It (and it's not an It).

It (not it :o) is always Home and in that, whereever you find yourself...you are at Home. So each moment is just each moment...there is nothing new happening and yet everything is brand new and the more accepting of Paradox you become the easier and lighter life is...but you cannot do it...all you can do is see the Paradox and not engage with how it is. Paradoxes are not for solving they are for relaxing the minds grip on knowing anything.

Paradox is the Ultimate Gift to the mind.

~The Happy Idiot

Find more writings of this domain at:

End of The Search

One A Day Spiritual Vitmains

Nothing To Learn

Alone

There is a paradox that runs in life that assists in helping one believe that they are not alone.  The paradox is "other."  That there appears to be someone else besides you "out there."  And that is how this is kept real.  As long as there is someone out there then there is "proof" that there is someone "in here." 

However today on my walk...there was a moment of clarity that everyone is completely alone...because there is only One.  I have misidentified myself with the body and with the external world.  All things are in the Self...including the paradox of "you and I."  Which would make one believe that there are three...Self, you and I ... however...you and I are in Self (and in that there is no "you" and "I" we are the One) and Self is not a thing...not a body, not an idea...it IS greater than what can be imagined because imagination is in It.

So I sat down to write this as an imagined separate self...but it is not me writing it...because I don't know what is going to be typed.  I am just (for lack of a better description) watching this be typed...watching the typing and then watching the thoughts appear about what is being typed and yet I am not the typing or the thoughts...all things bring one back to the question "who am I?" 

I want you to be real so that I don't feel so alone.  But nothing can keep me from this aloneness because I am that alone.  MyTeacher has been saying for years "you are all alone, surrounded by all the help you need."  That is finally getting through...the fear of being alone has kept a search going to find a way to not be alone...however in being alone...Aloneness itSelf...all things come searching for me...just like I have searched and been found...you are searching to be found too and I am a lighthouse in the darkness.  I am what points all things back to itSelf.

So you are Aloneness...as am I.  You are searching and I am found. 

Coming Out of the Closet...

From the picture above you will see that I am not coming out of the closet with what is commonly come out with. :o) However, in a way it is...because in having no hair (and I didn't do it for this purpose, however, in having no hair for the last month, I have become less and less aware of being female (feminine) or male (masculine). Without the attachment to hair (which is pretty intense for a woman...especially this woman...hair was always pretty important), there is less attachment, naturally less, to being seen as feminine (not that I am trying not to be feminine...it just hasn't come up like it did when I had to tend to hair and fix it so it look right to go out or put it up to well do anything). And there is not an attempt to a gender (male or female). There is just being. Not trying to be anything...just not really being anything.

You may wonder why I would shave my head (I say that cause I wonder why I shaved my head) and the answers seems to show up in like "ah ha" moments. There was no reason in the beginning, although there has been an inclination to know what it is like to have no hair and in retrospect...maybe a bit of pulling off of an old skin. However that is all in after the fact...all of what has been seen, has been seen after the action.

There has been plenty of awkwardness about it (it's not "normal" for a woman to shave her head in the society that I have been in) and there is not immunity here to the feelings of embarrassment and not knowing how to explain it and living in a small rural town. It seems that some people look at me like I have an illness...like maybe I have Cancer (which would make more sense than just … this person shaved all their hair off for no reason).

But we are not about making sense around these parts well where I live (which is probably why I find myself very much alone most of the time...not complaining). Because not making sense sometimes scares people...they don't know what to do with it...sheesh I don't know what to do with it...cept I've been hearing to "Let it Be." "Leave the thoughts about everything and anything alone."

So all the thoughts that you may be having about what you just saw...I've had them all too and even to the point that each week on Tuesday (which is my bath and shave day), I wonder to myself...will I shave my head today or let it grow and what I hear is "wait and see." <---not really in words...it's what happens ...waiting and seeing.

Some friends and Family have been pretty accepting of it and some have not (well at first anyway). I didn't know (though I had imagined) just how much I would like it...it really feels natural to have no hair and … there is no hair all over the home (stuck in the vaccum and tub drain) to clean up (which was always gross).

So it's not probably something most people would do and it may make you uncomfortable or think I am a freak or weird (however, there is more of a sense of "normal" without hair...because when there was hair there was a look of "normal" but not a feeling of it...now with no "normal" (hiding behind the hair) there's feelings of normalcy :o) So there is a sense of looking pretty close to how the feelings of being in a human body are...unknown...not so easily defined.

I won't say I'm not a bit nervous about sending this out...even though nobody but me really reads any of this anyway...but there's a good energy about it coming through so we'll go with that.

~Joysters