The Only Thing That I Know...Is That I Don't Know.

It was said to me that I come off like I know so much, but that actually I am wrong about everything.  Not just one thing or some things but everything.  

At first this was heard like I had to do something about it, oh no!  I am wrong about everything how can I fix that.  But then something started to dawn from it.  I don't ever know.  I may think that I know about something, I may think that I know what I am going to type next...but so often I find that I am wrong.  If you are reading this then you can check for yourself.  How often do you go to sleep at night with all these plans that you are going to get all these things done and you wake up the next day and none of them happen.  Now I am not saying that is always the case.  However, for me, I find it is the case more often than not...that I am doing things during my day that I had not only not planned but had not even thought about and the things that had to get done usually do, but not necessarily in "my" time-frame.

The first time that this came to my awareness was back in like 1998 when I took a philosophy class...I had just moved to Arizona in a very strange way...I had a dream.  Not just your regular old wake up in the morning thinking "well that was a nice dream."  I had a dream like none before and none since and the dream said "YOU ARE GOING TO SCOTTSDALE ARIZONA!"  I have no way to describe it other than it was to the core of my being.  I didn't even know where Scottsdale AZ was ... I had two young children, my significant other, Mark and I both worked full-time jobs and he even had his own company so he had two jobs, but there was nothing I could do about it...it would not leave me alone.  I had to go.  Mark wasn't too keen on the idea but after about 3 months he saw that I was seriously going.  I wanted him to come but I didn't want him to come if he didn't want to.  Then one night he took me out to dinner and said..."guess what" and I said "what" and he said "I'm going with you."  And from there everything fell in place both of our companies laid us off and within six months we were in Arizona...living in Chandler and my first job was in Scottsdale.  

Which led me to my philosophy class, I enrolled in this class when I arrived in Arizona, it was a very good class that got me writing out some of the things I had experienced in life (The Voice) and started taking a deeper looking into who I thought I was.  Which for me at the time, seemed like a world of possibilities and big open skies... and it was my first introduction to Socrates.  He is still the only philosopher I would stand by and he is the only one I have fully connected with because he said one simple thing that makes so many things clear.  He said "I am wise because I know, I know nothing."  This can be heard in many ways and I have heard it throughout the years in many ways, but ultimately, what it has boiled down to for me is that I don't know what anything is for.

Whether or not I sound like I know a lot of things does not make it so, what is typed what is shared through me as Joy in this world, is received along with the typing, sharing of it.  I write what comes through so that I can see it...it really isn't for anyone but me, however if there is someone else that receives something from it then that is great.  The things that I have come to Know, are not things that I can say.  Don't you just Know when you Know something (some call it a gut feeling), and if someone says to you well how do you know...you say I don't know I just Know. :o)

It's a paradox and one that can bring a smile or a frown.  A smile if you are not so concerned with knowing what everything is for and a frown if you are trying to know.

My Teacher asked me to admit to the world that I don't know and this is my admittance.

Self Investigation

The investigation begins with a seemingly simple question..."Who Am I?"

One would think that this would be enough to have one delve deeper and deeper into theirSelf, however, it seems we live in a busy world where one is more concerned with where they are going and what they will get than who they are.

For the few that find themselves on this page, you are offered the gift that gives you nothing...you give everything and you receive nothing. However it is not nothing like the mind understands. You receive yourself as you take this question and dig deeper than all the answers that are given in response, until you are finally sitting here with me and no answer is sought.

Begin to make this your only question. When other questions arise, that seem to demand an answer or a response give the true answer "Who?" As this becomes a way of living for you, you will begin to see that who you thought you were, was not ever in charge.

For the one that does not do this work, that will seem like a frightening lie, but for the one that has done the work, it is a rewarding Gift.

That you ask as you remember is enough.

"Who Am I?"

and patiently, silently, wait.

MEDITATION PARABLE

This morning was a very quiet Meditation and the thought from yesterday about no "I" no problem appeared and it can be seen that someone thinking there is no "I" might in this world seem crazy...but when one Sees ... there is no "I" then it seems crazy that one could have ever believed there was one.

Like when you find out Santa Claus isn't real or that there is no Tooth Fairy...that you had believed in them both so fully and then were told that they don't exist...that is how it is with the "I" we have been told since we are born that this "I" that we think we are is real...but there is no "I."

Then the thought appeared of the "I" being a plant in the soil and it is time for the plant to come out of the ground...so appears the questions "who am I?" and that question is the both the Gardener and the shovel for which the plant is dug up...it gently begins to dig up a little soil and a little more and the plant doesn't necessarily want to be dug up...it wants to stay in the ground because it doesn't know where it is going...so it grows some roots.

The roots are the thoughts that say "How" "Why" "Where" and the Shovel continues to dig with the only thought that can answer those thoughts directly and completely into Silence/Stillness and that is "who?"

The roots are how and why and the answer/the digging out is "who?" and no one can do this for you...you must be willing to dig/investigate for yourself.  As you do you begin to find that you are not only the plant/"I" thought but you are also the Gardner and the Shovel.

Eventually and sometimes quite suddenly....all the digging is done and the plant/"I" thought is out and it lays on the soil and thoughts still come to attach to it...to tell it what it is...but they do not stay as long because everything is done and the plant/"I" thought rests in itSelf.

It doesn't know if it will be planted or what it will be used for ...but it no longer needs to because it is not separate from itSelf...it now Sees that it is the whole Garden and that it has always been this way...it had only thought that it was a plant...but now it sees the plant lying on the ground and it Knows that it is not just the plant...but that the plant/"I" thought is in It.

 No "I" No Problem.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT (Stop & Stay)

It was a heady morning filled with thoughts of things that have to get done or aren't getting done and concerns about things that are going on in life that create a feeling of "fight or flight."  

Luckily Meditation time arrived and there was quiet and the thought appeared...instead of "fight or flight" stop everything and "wait and see." 

This idea that was planted in me years ago yet just started shimmering in the mind...as relaxing ensued I could see that the stress was caused not because their actually was stress but that there was a fear that wasn't being looked at which was creating the desire to either run/flight or attack/fight...and both responses avoid what is not being looked at...what is there but cannot be seen...so how does one look at a fear they can't see...they Stop.  

                                       Completely Stop.

In that stopping one can look at what is being reacted to without reacting ...without making a plan of attack or    plan a way out...and admit that the fear is there...because they don't know what to do and if one can just stop...don't do anything...which goes against the grain that we are accustomed...that I is accustomed to taking...to either have a way of combating the fear or getting away from it...but to stop and just stay there and wait and see what happens...not tell myself what is going to happen or what could happen but to wait and see what actually does happen...is facing the fear.

The fear that is revealed from this...is the fear of the unknown or not being in control and not knowing what is in control.  To stop and wait and see how it all works itself out...can be frightening because one is so used to doing something...to have an action or reaction to situations/stimulus...but in doing nothing...in stopping and waiting to see what happens ... an entirely new experience can be received.

Who would have thunk it would be hard to do nothing :o)  It's not that it is actually hard... it is just undoing...unlearning behaviors that we are taught...though watching others or our own past responses...that actually no longer help us or serve us and many times lead us to even worse situations or deeper unresolved issues.

To stop and stay, wait and see, when everything inside is telling you to run...to change the situation...is  the beginning of seeing what you have been running towards and away from all your life.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE AND ON LIVING WITH A CHICKEN...

So me and my dog Pete live with a chicken named Marma, she's been with us for over 3 months now and she is part of the family.  We all go for a walk each morning and she still lets me carry her (probably for fear of the hawks above) until we get to the Oak tree where we sit for some time and she does her psycho attack routine causing havoic on the grassland creatures...a big monster that comes and attacks and rarely leaves anything that lives in her wake. I watch as she grabs one and smashes it to the ground again and again then chews it up and swallows it down practically whole.

But then I also see her as my friend...she is so loving and trusting...I can touch her anywhere...grab her feet and squeeze them and she just looks at me...I kiss her all the time...cause she loves it or at least doesn't complain...and she keeps herself so clean...I want to think she doesn't smell good...but she does...she smells real good and not like cooked chicken but like something fresh and alive.  And I know what she wants when she clucks at the door...to come in...or when she squeals cause there is a hawk above or when she click click clicks cause there is a snake in the grass. 

And I know the pain of not being able to protect her...like when I looked out the window and the neighbors dog was throwing something in the air and I saw her little orange legs and I freaked and ran down the yard and he dropped her and she was stumbling around like a drunken sailor and my heart was broken and I carried her home and held her in my arms until she was focused again...it took her over a day to get her senses back and it's been weeks now and she still doesn't have all her feathers.  I've watched as a hawk came barrelling down from the sky and grabbed at her and as I ran and screamed it dropped her.  Yet I learn so much from her...cause even though the dog has attacked her 3x now...I'll go outside and she will be walking right past him...she doesn't hold onto anything...I know that she knows he is capable of killing her...but she still just lives her chicken life and although she is more cautious on our walks...she still wanders pretty far off from me to hunt.

And I feel like a mom feels...like I can't protect her from everything but I want too...and also I want her to have the freedom to be a bird and so I bring her over to "the girls" (the other chickens on the ranch) and put her in with them and she doesn't want to be there and hides under my feet and if I pretend to leave her and go away...she crawls into a tiny place and "the girls" try to get at her and she looks for me and I can't do it and take her out...but she is going to have to go there soon...unless some other great idea comes up she just will be too big for the house soon.

She is so good...she already been on road trips and she's hung out on campus with me.  And I know that she is also like my dog...people will see him and say "oh cute dog...what kind is she?" and I will think "he" and say oh she's a mutt :o)  That's how people see Marma...she's just a chicken...she looks like every other chicken or like some chickens that look like the kind of chicken she is...but still what they see is a chicken...but she is not just a chicken to me and I know my heart will be broken at some point because the closer I get to her...the more it hurts when I think that something is going to get her...even right now it is in my thoughts because she is outside and Pete is inside so she is vulenerable...but so am I ... we are all that vulerable...it's just not always so obvious and I can't not love her just because I know I will lose...I just can't not love her...it's impossible because I already do...it's too late I'm done for...so we  will see how this all plays out...I hadn't imagined we would have gotten this far even...most people told me one chicken would die from loneliness...but she's the one that's been the company...and there is something very unique about a wild animal...something in the energy about them...that is so alive and yet so peaceful at the same time.  Like a wild animal is very aware of death and yet at the same time very aware of life.

And so far so good...for all of us chickens here on the Ranch :o)

THE GARDEN (Digging Up The "I" Thought).

There is a Garden here at the Ranch and there are also weeds...one of the things that has been shared is that if you don't want the weeds to come back...then you have to get them at the bottom...at the base of the root.  If you pull to hard or fast or the soil is not damp enough and don't get all the root at once...then the weed will grow back.

It seemed like a good analogy for how it is with the "I" thought (who most think they are).  It is like a weed that if you don't get it by the very core...it will just spread and grow out from what is left and if it is just left it grows wild and tries to overtake the Garden.  

Let's start by taking a look at words..."words" in themselves are not real...they are just sounds and letters that were made up and agreed upon to mean certain things ... that is all the "I" thought is.  It is just a word...it is just a letter.  But you say it all the time like it means something...don't you?  "I" like this and "I" like that and "I" am so good or "I" am so shitty.  But do you ever look to see what this "I" is that you keep saying you are?

If there were no words ... no sounds ... would you still be?

So maybe you are beginning to see that every time you say "I" you may not be telling the truth.  Don't take it from me...it's something you will have to investigate...however...it might be the greatest investigation you've ever been on...just like when you pull that weed up out of the garden and you see that you got the whole root and you know that it is not going to be coming back to that part of the Garden...and the Garden we are speaking of in the domain of the "I" thought is the Garden of Heaven.  

Now Heaven is just a loaded word because people have all kinds of fantasies about what Heaven is and who will be there and they imagine all kinds of things...but what if Heaven has been completely misunderstood and actual Heaven...is just the pulling out...rooting out the weed called "I."  

No "I" = Heaven.

The "I" thought says that everything should be some other way than how it is.  The "I" thought thinks it has to do all kinds of things to get where it already is.  The "I" thought thinks that Heaven is some other time than Now...but just because the "I" says all these things...doesn't make it so.  

Now depending on how much you have invested in creating this "I" you call "you," could make it hard to give up...the more important the "I/you" thinks it is...the deeper the root goes. So even though it can be dropped/pulled out/weeded in an instant...if you are like me...you don't get the whole root to come out all at once.  

One of the ways that you can begin to see that the "I" isn't real...is that it always is telling you about something that isn't actually happening. The "I" thought is past/future based.  It will say "I" am going to do this or "I" am going to do that...but all you have to do is look around ... just Stop...take a breath (deep one is always good for the body) and look around ... is there anything happening...right now...is there anything happening but these words being read?  All the things that "I/you" worry about that might happen or did happen...are not happening Now.  

Heaven = Now. 

The best way to begin to see the lie of the "I," is to begin to investigate what it is telling you.  The clearest way to see the non-existence of the "I" is to ask the only true question, the questions that all other questions are in avoidance of:

"Who am I?  Really."

It is never "how" or "why" it is always "who?"

Before the "I," I Am.

A GUIDED MEDITATION (Your Crucifixion)

Find a quiet space...where you can sit comfortably.  Close your eyes and take three deep cleansing breaths...as you breath in ... imagine a bright light coming in through your nose...through your head and down your chest and as you breath out your mouth...relax your jaw and see this bright light coming out.  

Do this three times.

Now with eyes closed...imagine you are Jesus (whatever you picture that word "Jesus" to means to you or use the image below).  Imagine that you are him and that you are being laid down on two pieces of wood with your hands spread apart and your feet entwined together.  Now imagine that you know that the person that is about to put the nails into your hands and attach you to the wood...is you (you do not have to understand it just allow your imagination to do it).  

You are looking at this person...knowing it is yourself and that they are about to pierce your hands and there is no way to tell them who you are...there are no words you can use to relay to that person that they are piercing their own skin through yours.  

He does not know that he is doing it to himself.  He thinks/believes that you...as Jesus...are separate from him...and you as Jesus know that even though he thinks this...it does not make it so.  

You feel a wave of compassion wash over you.  You look at him and know that he doesn't know what he is about to do.  It comes up to you the Truth of the statement when you say "Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does."   He does not know that when I say "I and the Father are One...that he can say the same."  Feel your Heart being broken and don't try to fix it.

Now imagine that you are the person putting the nails into Jesus' hands.  You have been told that he is a trouble maker...that he says blasphemous things ... makes lofty assumptions ... that he is attempting to lead people away from the Roman Church...that he is a King of the Jews and claims to be the Messiah.  

You are afraid...allow yourself to feel afraid of this person that goes against everything you believe...who threatens the foundation of your beliefs ... your family ... your life...feel that wanting to protect yourself from this man...this man could take away all the things you hold dear in this world.  

The things he says...like he is the son of God...or the Kingdom of God is Within are too big for you to understand...they are scary and you just want him to go away and stop saying the things he continues to say. Your fear makes you angry and you don't like how he looks at you so lovingly and compassionate...it feels like mockery...it is like spitting in your face that he is so calm.  

You hammer the nail in...and he screams and you think...who is the son of God now...where is your God now.  In your rage you cannot see that what is in you is in Him.  You are blind...blind.

Now step back.  How does one help a blind man See?

Is there enough space to see that the whole picture is You.  If that is too far a stretch for the imagination...imagine how it was for Jesus 2000 years ago.  Things have not changed very much...it seems people still do not wish to hear the Good News.

So begin if you will...to just entertain the idea...that you are the blind one and you are the one that Sees.  And if you are both...then both are in You.  

What is there to forgive?  If you are Jesus and you know that you are putting your own nails into your own hands...do you need to forgive yourSelf...and if you are the crucifier...do you foregive yourself for not Seeing who you are...for being blind.

This is a very personal endeavor and one that can help to create great healing in you.

The concept "forgiveness" is for the one that has yet to see that he is Crucifying himself.  

Be kind to yourself.  You are not who you "think" you are.  Thank God :o)